


It's Chance and Chance Again

by Hunnyccake



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bond Mates, Fate, Fate & Destiny, M/M, McKirk in the meantime, McKirk is temporary, Mutual Pining, Pining, Pretty domestic, Slow Burn, Slow burn for Spirk, hope that makes sense, im terrible at tagging im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22663630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hunnyccake/pseuds/Hunnyccake
Summary: Kirk and Bones are slowly starting to figure out whatever their relationship is when the Earth is hit with the news that Vulcan has just been destroyed; Starfleet has no choice but to get involved and take in the survivors. Kirk ends up meeting one of the Vulcans by chance. And then chance again. And again... A string of coincidences that suddenly have Kirk feeling like maybe there's something more to this.-AU where Starfleet doesn't explore, it simply manages galactic affairs when necessary, so Kirk and Bones aren't a part of it--just normal dudes being gays. I don't know how to explain this better, it'll make sense, I promise. Also, the concept of bond mates is very much blown up in this because what can I say? I'm a sucker for fate. Also, rated mature for language and just to be safe!-
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	1. How it All Starts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! If you're actually reading this, welcome! Just a little AU I mused the thought of and wanted to write down. I'm not sure how many chapters it'll be just yet. I hope you enjoy, and please do let me know what you think :) Comments are always so appreciated! 
> 
> (Again, this is an AU, don't be surprised about random changes here and there :) )

Kirk stood, straddling his bike, watching an increasingly confusing scene play out before him. 

There were Vulcans absolutely _flooding_ out of a spacecraft, practically all in a line. Kirk shifted uncomfortably; they seemed upset, Hell, miserable. More and more people were crowding around to watch, passing whispers. And sure, Kirk lived near Starfleet's HQ, he saw weird stuff sometimes. But this... 

Bones came walking back to his side, handing him the water bottle he'd asked for. "Water is three damn dollars at that gas station, can you believe that?" 

"Bones, what's going on here?" Kirk asked, nodding ahead. 

Bones shot him a dirty look, side sitting on Kirk's bike behind him. "You're kidding, right? You do know what the news is, don't you?" 

"Hmm," Kirk hummed with mock thoughtfulness. "I have no idea." he said, folding his arms over the handle bars; he just couldn't seem to take his eyes off this. It's not that he had never seen aliens before. Starfleet was very careful about sticking to their own affairs, but aliens did come by for diplomatic reasons fairly often. Yet he was absolutely glued to this scene; he couldn't shake it. 

Bones scowled, but he explained anyway. "Half of their planet was blown to bits by some aggressive species they had beef with this morning, I guess." he said, softening a bit. "Starfleet and Vulcan are pretty tight allies, so of course, they've offered a new home here. For the Vulcans that are left, anyway."

Kirk frowned deeply. "Oh shit..." he muttered, his heart wrenching. A silence settled but for only a moment; because there she was, walking among them--a human. "Woah, hey!" Kirk exclaimed. "That's a human!" 

"Do you know anything, kid?" Bones grumbled. 

"Only what you tell me, Bones." 

"They're pretty well-known. In the early days of Vulcan and Earth's relationship, a human and a Vulcan met and got married or whatever it is they do on their planet." Bones explained, looking bored of this now. "Had a kid and everything, it was all super controversial." 

"Woah..." Kirk muttered, looking at the man trailing behind the human and her husband. He was younger than them, he could definitely be their son. 

The same man suddenly turned and looked at Kirk-- _right_ at him. Out of all the people gathered around, he managed to look directly at him. It briefly crossed Kirk's mind that maybe he should look away, or maybe even wave, but he didn't do anything. Neither did the Vulcan--or half Vulcan, he supposed. They just stared, anchored together. 

It wasn't until the human woman reached back and grabbed the Vulcan's hand that he finally looked away; Kirk only now managing to do the same. Kirk might've spared a second glance if Bones didn't start waving his hand in front of his face. "Hello? You with me?" 

Kirk blinked, swatting Bones' hand away with a grin. "Quit it. C'mon, let's get out of here, I can feel you getting cranky." 

"You know me so well, darlin'." Bones remarked, getting situated as Kirk kicked the engine back to life. 

Once again, Kirk had the urge to look back, but with Bones' arms around him, he was able to focus at the task at hand. That, and that Bones would absolutely kill him if he saw Kirk take his eyes off the road for even a second. It was a miracle Bones ever got on this "death trap" at all as he called it, Kirk probably shouldn't push his luck. 

But his mind, at least, was somewhere else. 

Kirk stopped in front of Bones' house. 

it was a decent place. Bones was a doctor, he could afford much better, but he settled for this instead--a pretty spacious one bedroom with a garden that Kirk was pretty sure Bones had never even attempted to plant anything in. He lived alone after all, it's not like he needed anything else. 

Bones stepped off, always looking so shaken up and disheveled after the drive. He fussed absently with his hair for a moment before clearing his throat. "You comin' inside?" he asked, a certain softness in his voice that made Kirk turn off the engine before he even answered. 

"It's not like I ever spend time at my own apartment anymore anyway," he said, pulling his helmet off. "And it's your fault. Start paying my rent." 

Bones laughed, rolling his eyes, but that was it--no witty comeback, no insult. Something was wrong. "Bones?" Kirk asked gently. "Y'know I'm kidding right? I like spending all my time with you, cranky or not." 

"I know." Bones muttered, suddenly looking at him seriously. "That's what I'm thinkin' about." 

He was getting anxious now. "Bones, you gotta tell me what you're getting at because I'm freaking out now." he was exaggerating, but not by much. 

"What are we doing, Jim?" he asked, not a hint of a smile on his face. "If we were friends with benefits, you probably wouldn't be over here everyday. Or we probably wouldn't do everything together. Or think about each other all the time..." his voice trailed, his eyes following. "I don't want to be so confused all the time anymore." 

Kirk hesitated, his heart suddenly in his throat. He knew this talk was coming, he'd been dreading it since the first time they started hooking up. Kirk had never tried to label it, it was just _Bones._ He loved him, _duh_ \--and they were practically together. He thought it was just _that._ He thought they had been on the same page. 

Though, he supposed maybe he was also avoiding the commitment. Once it was labeled, it was official. 

But wasn't it already? 

"We're whatever you want to be." Kirk said, picking each word very carefully. He wasn't always the best at getting these things across, but this was important. There was a lot at stake here. "I'm ready for anything with you." 

Bones moved a bit closer. "So, we could be... Together? Officially?" 

"I mean, we basically already are," Kirk said with a forced laugh. Every step Bones took towards him was making him catch fire a little faster--the weight of this moment was brutal. He was squirming. 

Bones laughed too, but his was much more genuine. And sweet. Sweet enough that Kirk didn't feel nervous looking at him. The sun was hitting him just right; his eyes were all warmth and honey. And Kirk had never loved him more than in that moment. 

"Alright, then it's _officially_ official, how about that?" Bones asked, voice low and smooth; as if Bones didn't already have Kirk breathless, gasping. 

"Deal." Kirk whispered with a smile, not sure where his voice had gone. 

And when Bones pulled him into his arms and kissed him, it was all passion. Dizzying, intoxicating. It was love, without a doubt, and it was solid. For once in his life, Kirk was sure of _this._ _This_ was love. It was his, it was theirs, and that was practically all that mattered.

But above else, it was distracting. 

For just that sweet moment, all he tasted was sugar, all he thought about was Bones. 

He was perfectly distracted from the nagging thought in the back of his mind that there was something more waiting for him. And he was standing right on the edge of it. 


	2. Blue Eyes and Broken Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh, I'm so surprised this already has a few kudos and almost 50 hits. That's beyond sweet, I love you guys, thank you :,) I didn't really think this would get any attention at all, I'm beyond pleased :')))
> 
> Please enjoy!

Spock sat on the neatly made bed, staring at the wall ahead of him; morning desperately trying to shine in through the drawn curtains. 

The bed wasn't made because he had woken up and made it, it was made because it hadn't been used. Since they'd arrived at this planet, he hadn't slept at all. He just sat on the bed, watched the sun fall and then rise again through the curtains. 

He needed to think this out. That's how he'd handle this--he'd think it out, reason it. If he could sort out his thoughts, his emotions would surely calm down as well. Because right now, he was definitely feeling them, and he'd rather not be. He had tried all night, but he couldn't do it. 

And now it was even harder to think with his mother's crying from the other room. 

Starfleet had been very accommodating and welcoming. They had opened up the handful of on-site dorms they had to Spock's family and a few others, and were working on finding available housing all over for the rest of the survivors. There wasn't too many of them left, but definitely enough that Starfleet would be busy for awhile. 

The dorms were nice. Clean, white. But the walls were thin, and Spock would've done anything to be anywhere else--he would like to tell himself it was because he couldn't focus with her crying, but the truth was that her anguish was only breaking his heart further. His mother was a strong woman, one of the few humans Spock thought had complete control over their emotions. She didn't cry often. So to hear her now... 

Spock decided maybe he should leave for a bit. 

He rose, his legs feeling so weak. It felt like Earth's gravity was too much for him, it was weighing him down. He chose to pretend that he didn't know gravity was lighter here than on Vulcan. 

Spock stood before his parent's door. Her crying was too loud now, it was drowning out his thoughts. If he knocked, surely they'd never hear it. 

Instead, he just kept walking. He told one of the Starfleet personnel he was stepping out so they could relay the information to his parents. Not that he planned to be gone long anyway, but he didn't want to worry them should they come looking. 

The moment he stepped outside, he wished he hadn't. 

It was too bright, too warm. Everything in Starfleet was cold and tidy; it was easy to understand, it didn't contradict how Spock felt. But outside was _so_ much. 

He could hear it, though. Stuck in his mind like a stubborn melody--her sobs, her pain. She was broken, just like their planet. 

Just like how he felt.

So he decided to take his chances against the unknown. It felt safer. 

He risked a glance up at the sky--blue and peaceful, like there wasn't anything wrong in the world; in the whole universe. It felt almost like an insult, but he also found a great comfort in it he couldn't understand. Not until the image came back to him--those eyes. 

Blue and deep, full of life. Anything but calming. Downright terrifying and electrifying, but alluring all the same. 

Spock hadn't been able to look away from them at the time, but now he wished he'd had, considering it meant that he hadn't gotten a good look at the human's face they belonged to. He wasn't sure why it upset him, but he suddenly felt even more loss at the thought of it. 

Emotions were exhausting. 

He shut his eyes and took a deep breath; he could do this. He just needed to shut his brain off for now. He needed to reason it out. 

He forced himself to forget about sobs and blue eyes, and just started walking. 

***

When Kirk awoke, Bones was already gone for the day. 

Kirk knew this even before rolling over and seeing the little note left on his space on the bed: "don't sleep all day lazy ass", followed by a little heart. Bones was the last of the true romantics. 

Kirk sat up and rubbed his eyes, glancing at the clock. It was noon. So he didn't sleep all _day,_ just all _morning._ Which Kirk thought was fair anyways, Bones kept him up all damn night. How that man was at work right now was beyond Kirk. 

Though Kirk supposed he should actually get his day started now. 

He showered and got dressed quickly, shoving a handful of stale chips in his mouth for breakfast, then hurried out. He had work in like twenty-five minutes. 

The nice thing about staying at Bones' house was that it was way closer to his shop, so he could just walk there and avoid any traffic. Kirk worked at the auto-body shop. It didn't pay much, but it payed enough for him to get by. Though Kirk was seriously considering not paying his utilities anymore with how often he crashed at Bones'. 

Something warm stirred in him as he remembered the other night. They were official now. Bones was his _boyfriend._

 _Yikes, what a word. That'll take some getting used to._ Regardless of the thought, he was smiling. 

And he smiled almost the entire way to work like his life was suddenly some sort of cliche romcom. He only stopped when he noticed some kids pestering somebody--and not just anybody, a _Vulcan._

They meant no harm. They were young and curious, following him around and asking questions as he was very clearly attempting to keep walking and ignore them. 

Kirk might've let it go and headed on his way, but he realized it wasn't just anyone, it was _the_ Vulcan. The one he'd locked eyes with. 

He probably still should've minded his own business and focused on making it to work on time, but something was practically dragging him over there before he even knew it. 

"Hey." he called, effectively earning both the kids' and Vulcan's attention. He stopped short of the kids, fishing a twenty dollar bill from his pocket. "I'll give you this if you go away." 

Kirk took their excited and triumphant screams as a 'yes' and passed over the money, pleased to watch them running off. "Those kids are going to spend that _all_ on candy; their mom's are going to hunt me down and kill me." he said with a little laugh, the smile falling from his face when he saw the way the Vulcan was looking at him. 

He was staring him dead in the eyes, intense and focused. "Your eyes," he muttered after a moment. He suddenly snapped out of it, quickly composing himself. "They... I've seen them before." 

"And I've seen those ears before," Kirk joked lightly, not really sure if that was offensive or not. He had never been this self conscious before, he was practically losing it. 

Thankfully, the Vulcan didn't look offended, but it was hard to tell. 

"You didn't have to give those children your money." the Vulcan said, but he sounded somewhere else. Somewhere far away. "They would've grown bored eventually." 

"Not before you lost your mind," Kirk said with a grin. And that should've been that. He should've rushed off to make it to work that he was getting increasingly closer to being late for; he should've forgotten about this little interaction. But instead, he cleared his throat slightly. "I didn't, uh, catch your name." 

"My name is Spock." 

"Spock." Kirk said, trying it out. "I'm Jim." he said, offering his hand. When Spock simply looked at his hand, Kirk awkwardly pulled it away. "Is that no good?" 

Spock simply gave a slight nod of his head as a greeting instead, which Kirk copied. 

"How're you getting accommodated?" Kirk asked gently, not sure if that was too much right now--man, he had never felt the need to think about what he said _before_ he said it; not until now. 

"Quite well." Spock replied, not a hint of emotion anywhere to be found, yet somehow Kirk knew that wasn't entirely true. "Your planet has been very welcoming." 

Kirk smiled sympathetically. "I'm glad. I'm sorry, y'know, about what happened. I imagine that's hard." 

"It is difficult, yes." Spock said. He seemed like he had intended to say something to counter that but he fell short, and his sentence simply hung between them--heavy and unresolved. 

Kirk glanced at his watch for half a second, but it was enough for Spock to catch. "I am keeping you from something." 

"You're not." Kirk assured quickly. "I do have to get to work, though," he said regrettably. He didn't want to leave just yet, but he knew he would get his ass chewed out for being this late already. If he ever wanted to make it home alive, he needed to get a move on. 

"I will let you go then." Spock said, and something about the tone in his voice suggested maybe he didn't want Kirk to go either. 

"I'll see you around, Spock." Kirk said with a forced smile. He wished that were true. 

Spock dipped his head. "Until next time, Jim."

Something stirred even harder in him than before. Something in his bones, in his chest--thick and burning. Kirk had only just started jogging towards the shop but he was already breathless. 

He could hear it in his head still; the way Spock spoke his name.

_Until next time._

When Kirk made it home--well, to Bones' home--he was tired and covered in oil. 

Bones was on the couch, watching TV. He did a double take when he saw him. "Jesus Christ, kid. You're disgusting." 

"Thanks Bones," Kirk whined, walking over and sitting on the floor in front of Bones, facing the TV--he knew damn well Bones' head would explode if he tried to sit on the couch. "My boss definitely gave me extra work on purpose." 

"Why's that?" Bones asked, playing absently with Kirk's hair from behind him. 

Kirk hummed, leaning back into his hands just a bit. "I was late." 

"And here I am, feelin' bad for you. It's your own damn fault." Bones scolded, but there was still a softness in his voice. And he didn't take his hands away, so clearly he wasn't actually that cranky. 

"I know. But I had good reason. I totally saved someone." 

Bones scoffed. "Oh this'll be good..." 

"One of the Vulcans was being brutally harassed by some kids," Kirk said with a grin. 

"Which means children were following them around?" Bones countered. That man never did miss a beat. 

"Yes." Kirk confirmed, making them both laugh. "But still, he was having a rough time, the last thing he needed was some kids bothering him. His name was Spock." 

"Oh, you even got a name?" Bones asked, amused. "Sounds like a great reason for being late to the one place that'll hire you." 

Kirk rounded on him, punching him in the leg. "Shut up!" he laughed. "It _was_ a good reason!" he argued, sitting to face Bones now. "I'm going to go shower, and if you love me, you'll have ordered pizza by the time I get back." he said, kissing him briefly before rushing off. 

The moment he stepped into the bathroom, he glanced in the mirror, hesitating. He stared back at himself. His eyes, specifically. 

_I've seen them before._

_He remembered my eyes, specifically?_

Something formed in Kirk's throat; something about that moved him so deeply. He couldn't understand it, they were just blue eyes. But the way Spock said it made them feel like so much more. Made _him_ feel like so much more. 

He looked away from his reflection with a sigh and decided to just drop it. He'd probably never see Spock again, and maybe that was for the best. There was something about him that knocked Kirk off balance, and losing his footing was not something he was used to nor particularly fond of. 

So, he focused at the task at hand. And later, when he was done showering, he'd eat pizza (that Bones had indeed ordered), and then he'd stay another night with his boyfriend. 

Most importantly, he'd _try_ to stop thinking about whatever it was Spock saw in his eyes. 


	3. The Scary Things We Do For Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys :') I am so thankful for everyone reading and leaving kudos, honestly, you keep me going. I sincerely appreciate it :')))

When Spock returned that evening, his mother was sitting on the steps outside the Headquarters. 

She smiled softly when she saw him--he was grateful to see it, though it was a cold comfort when it was accompanied by the darkness of her eyes. Spock sat beside her. "Are you okay?" 

"Just as okay as any of the rest of us," she said, so tenderly. "You went for a walk? What did you think?" 

"I think things are very different here." Spock said. "Where's father?" 

"Working out some business with Starfleet," she explained. "I imagine they will be needing him for many things now." 

Spock decided he couldn't just up and disappear anymore, at least not without his mother. Logically, he knew she'd be fine. She was strong. But Spock would admit (only to himself) that it was his own weakness this time. He couldn't bare the thought of her alone. 

"Have you ever missed this planet?" Spock asked after a few moments, watching the dusk beginning to grow darker now. 

His mother looked thoughtful for a moment. "No, I don't think so." she said, a strange sort of smile on her face. "I think when I left it to be with Sarek, I knew even then: my home was always meant to be Vulcan. With him." she turned and smiled at him. "And eventually, with you." 

Spock offered something akin to a smile himself. "I don't think there are any other humans like you." 

"That's not true," she assured, tucking a piece of Spock's hair behind his ear. "There are plenty who would give up everything they know and have for something better, despite how scary." her eyes slowly found Spock's again, and they looked stronger than they had in the last couple days. " _Especially_ for love." 

Something moved in him, and he spoke without thought for once in his life: "I met someone today. Someone I think might be extraordinary." 

His mother didn't look nearly as surprised as Spock would've thought. Instead, she just scooted a little closer. "A name?" 

"Jim." 

"He makes you feel something?" she asked, practically whispering. 

Spock looked away. "I'm not sure." 

"Okay." she said patiently. "Will you see him again?"

Spock glanced up at the sky right as the last hint of dusk disappeared, leaving the sky dark and starless. 

"I'm not sure." 

*** 

Kirk hadn't seen much of the Vulcans. 

Which he supposed was a good thing. Only a week and a half had gone by since they had landed, yet Starfleet seemed to already have them settled by now. From what Kirk could piece together, they'd been relocated all over the place, perhaps even places of their own choice--places far from here. And the ones still around mainly kept to themselves. 

Kirk wondered where Spock had gone to. 

"You wanna move that in the garage?" 

"Nah, I don't mind, I'll work on it out here," Kirk answered. It was getting colder lately; most of the vehicles they were working on at the shop were now driven into the garage to be worked on where it was a bit warmer. 

Kirk preferred the outside lot, though. He didn't mind the gray skies and chill in the air, he liked it even. Not to mention, he had almost this whole motorcycle taken apart, it would just be much more difficult to try and get it inside right now. 

"Your funeral," his coworker grumbled. "Don't come crying to me when your fingers go numb." 

"You sound like my damn boyfriend," Kirk said with a smirk. 

He laughed, nodding behind Kirk. "Speaking of..." 

Kirk glanced behind him, surprised to see Bones' truck pulling into the lot. Kirk hastily wiped his hands on his towel before rushing over, leaning in the open window of the driver's side. "Awe, did you break your car, Bones?" he asked with mock sympathy. 

"Shut up, the truck's fine. And if she wasn't, you're the last one I'd take her to," he said, swatting at Kirk's face lightly, making a laugh bubble out of him. It was an oddly affectionate gesture. 

"Alright, then to what do I owe the pleasure?" Kirk asked with a grin. 

"Well, I was just driving home, and I had a thought--Wait, have you been working outside?" Bones asked, nodding to the disassembled bike ahead of him. Kirk knew that tone in Bones' voice, and he sighed as dramatically as he could in an attempt to stop Bones before he got started. It didn't work. "--You do know it's cold outside, right? And it's probably going to rain. And you're going to get sick and _I'm_ going to be the one who has to deal with your whiny ass." 

Kirk glanced at his watch. "Hey, are you done nagging yet? I _am_ at work." 

Bones huffed, but then softened considerably. "Actually, I wanted to ask you something." 

Kirk anxiously shifted his weight on his heels. "Bones, c'mon, you know I hate when you do that. Just spit it out please." 

Bones laughed. "Calm down, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to go out tonight."

Kirk blanched. "Out? Like a date?" 

"Yes." 

"We've never been on a real date before." 

"That's the entire point, darlin'." Bones said with a roll of his eyes. 

Kirk's cheeks burned and he choked out an embarrassed laugh. "Right, duh." he nodded. "Yes, okay. Yeah, that sounds fun." 

"Nervous?" Bones teased. "That doesn't happen often. I should go buy a lottery ticket." 

"Shut up, get out of here." Kirk laughed, shoving him lightly. "I hate you." 

"I love you, too. I'll see you after work then." Bones said, backing out. 

Kirk waved. "It's a date." he said with a wink, watching him go. 

The moment he was gone, he practically collapsed back by the broken bike, face burning, heart pounding. Kirk had never, not once, been on a real date. And now he was going on a date with _Bones._ He knew he probably shouldn't have been freaking out this much, especially considering he was literally already dating him, but it was oddly nerve-wracking. 

It was scary, but he was a firm believer that the best things in life are supposed to scare you. 

So he just took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand, ignoring the slight tremble in his fingers. 

When Kirk got off work, he decided to go to his own place for once to shower. He felt like he needed to look somewhat decent; which was definitely never something he worried about around Bones. He was so glad he had been lazy enough to ride his motorcycle to work that day instead of walking; he was actually able to get home, shower, and get back to Bones' pretty quickly. 

The moment he walked inside, Bones turned to him, a grin on his face. "Oh, well don't you look nice?" 

Dressing "nice" for Kirk was a pair of jeans that didn't have any holes in them and a jacket over a T-Shirt. So yes, he looked nice. Bones was thankfully dressed just as casual so Kirk wasn't worried about it anymore. 

"Thank you, I put a lot of time and effort into this look." he said with a grin. "All for you." 

Bones hummed, walking over to him and gently brushing fingertips along the line of Kirk's jaw, making his breath catch for a moment. "So what did you have in mind?" Kirk asked softly, resting a hand on his shoulder. 

"Just dinner at that nice place just down the street," Bones replied, voice just as soft. "Made reservations and everything." 

"Oh wow, aren't you just a regular Casanova?" he teased, pressing his lips against his. 

Bones pulled away after a few moments, looking like he _definitely_ didn't want to. "If we want to make it to those reservations we should probably go. We can continue this later." 

Kirk laughed. "I'll be counting on it." 

Bones grabbed his jacket on their way out, a smug grin suddenly finding his face. "Oh, and remind me to check my lottery ticket tomorrow." 

"I hate you." 

It became increasingly apparent to Kirk that he shouldn't have been nervous at all. 

Dinner might as well have been pizza in Bones' house; he was just as comfortable. They were slightly more romantic than they usually were, but other than that it was simply being with Bones, as it had always been. Easy, comfortable. 

Plus, the food was great. 

Kirk was quite enjoying the walk home too. Just a little cold, plenty of stars, the moonlight so bright it was practically dripping all around them. Bones, on the other hand, was as bundled in his jacket as he could possibly be, complaining about the temperature nonstop. Even Bones' complaining was comfortable. So comfortable, in fact, Kirk almost didn't notice when he had started an actual conversation. 

"I guess this date wasn't _just_ a date." Bones said after a moment, glancing over at Kirk. "I know you hate when I say this, but there was something else I wanted to talk to you about tonight." 

And now it was _Bones_ who looked nervous. Kirk braced himself.

Bones cleared his throat. "Well I'm just going to get it out before I chicken out. I was just thinking..." he stopped walking, looking Kirk dead in the eyes. "Do you wanna move in with me?"

Kirk wasn't sure when he had stopped walking, but he was just standing there, _staring_ at him. He opened his mouth to speak, but it was like his brain was still running to catch up. He was sure he would never speak again when he saw a familiar face just across the street: "Spock." he blurted, immediately regretting it. 

Not only had he just completely ignored Bones' very personal and important question, Spock had heard him and was walking over. _Great, real smooth._

Kirk glanced at Bones, who was just staring at him with an expression Kirk couldn't figure out. "Bones, I--" 

"Jim." Spock said as he approached him, whatever odd excuse he had for a smile dropping when he glanced at Bones. "Who is this?" 

"Who are _you_ _?"_ Bones snapped. So maybe Bones was mad. 

"Is there a problem?" a woman asked as she joined Spock; she was pretty, and looked genuinely worried. It was only catching up to Kirk now that she and the Vulcan behind her had been with Spock when he called to him. 

Upon closer look, she was the human he had seen. 

"No, no problem." Kirk said quickly, ignoring the way Bones' eyes were burning into him. He chose not to face him and instead turned to Spock. "This is Bones--Leonard. My boyfriend." 

"I see. It's nice to meet you, Leonard." Spock said tightly, but he barely even faced him when he spoke, and his attention was back to Kirk quickly. "These are my parents." 

The woman smiled, reaching out and shaking Kirk's hand. The man at her side looked almost surprised to see her do this, and she just laughed. "I'm still human, Sarek. Humans shake hands." 

"I am aware humans shake hands." he grumbled, practically pouting--Well, as close as a Vulcan could get to pouting anyway. 

She just shook her head, looking amused as she returned her attention back to Kirk. "It's wonderful to meet you. I'm Amanda. Jim, was it?" she asked, smiling over at Spock. "The Jim you told me about?" 

"You mentioned me?" Kirk asked, glancing at Spock. 

Spock folded his arms behind his back, glancing aside. "Yes." he said, apparently answering them both. Maybe it was just the moonlight casting a weird glow, but Kirk could've sworn the tips of Spock's ears had a touch of green to them. 

"Jim." Was all Sarek said in greetings, so Jim just nodded.

Spock's mother was very warm and inviting, and as she introduced herself to Bones, she managed to work some of his edge off _thankfully._ There was hope for Kirk yet. 

After everyone was introduced, there was a moment of silence. Kirk was waiting for someone to say goodbye, but Amanda suddenly looked at Spock almost longingly, then quickly turned that look to Kirk. "Have dinner with us tomorrow." she blurted, an odd edge of desperation in her voice. She composed herself quickly, though. She had definitely spent quite a bit of time on Vulcan. "Both of you," she said, motioning to Kirk and Bones. "Please. It'd be an honor. Especially after you were so kind to Spock." 

Kirk glanced at Bones, who just looked at him for a moment and then softened a bit. "Okay." he said after a moment. "We'll be there." 

"Great!" Amanda exclaimed. 

As she was giving Bones details, Spock stepped to Kirk's side. "It is nice to see you again." 

Kirk smiled at him, and for the few moments Spock was at his side, he completely forgot the Hell he'd be facing after they left. "It is." he agreed. "You look better." 

"Things are getting better." Spock said, glancing at Kirk. "Mostly." 

Kirk smiled at him, but Amanda was back to them before he could say anything more. "Well we better get going. It was nice meeting you boys, we'll see you tomorrow night!" she said with a wave, smiling at Kirk specifically before she left, her Vulcans following her lead. 

The moment they were out of earshot, Bones looked at Kirk. "You can say no." he said, a stinging edge to his voice. 

"Bones, I was just taken off guard!" Kirk said quickly. "The date was surprising enough, and then _this._ " he paused, something softening in his chest looking at him. He looked vulnerable, hiding behind a poor excuse of being mad. This meant so much to him, it would kill him if Kirk said no. 

And the more Kirk thought about it, he couldn't find a reason to say no. He was scared again, and felt like he was stepping _so far_ out of his comfort zone--the whole idea of living with Bones sat so heavily on his shoulders. He didn't know why, since he practically already did. Not to mention, everyone knew his standpoint on things in life that scare him. 

"It was too much, then?" Bones asked, already looking dejected. 

"I didn't say that." Kirk said, walking over to him. "And I didn't say no." 

Bones' eyes widened as he slowly brought them back to Kirk. "So you're saying...?" 

Kirk smiled and shrugged, his heart suddenly racing. "Yes. I'll move in with you. Officially, anyway." 

Bones laughed, looking at Kirk like he had just agreed to marry him or something--Oh God, Kirk didn't even want to think about _that_ right now. "Jim," he said softly, placing a hand on his cheek. "I'm--" he shook his head, not able to decide what to say. "I love you." 

"I love you, too," Kirk said fondly, kissing him briefly before hugging him. 

Bones pulled away, suddenly looking determined. "Well we've got some planning to do now." 

Kirk just let him ramble on about his plans for what days they could work on moving Kirk's stuff over. Kirk definitely didn't have the heart to tell him that he really didn't have very much stuff, and it would probably only take one trip with Bones' truck. 

Bones talked about it endlessly, right up until they went to bed. Eventually, he fell asleep, and Kirk was left to think about it too now. 

He still felt weird about it, but he was sure it couldn't be "bad" weird. Just strange. He'd get used to it, Hell, by tomorrow he'd probably be as excited about it as Bones was tonight. 

Though for now, even as he was falling asleep, it was the dinner tomorrow night that he was excited about. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I take slow burn very seriously, but starting next chapter things will get more Spock and Kirk oriented, I promise ;)


	4. Clearer Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day to everyone who celebrates! :) Perfect timing for just a bit of fluff, huh? ;)

Spock did his best to ignore it, but he was pretty sure what he was feeling was _nervousness._

Spock didn't pay much attention to his emotions, but he was pretty sure nervousness was not something that he felt often. When he reasoned it out, there was truly no reason to be. Over the past week, they had been moved to a larger and more permanent dorm within Starfleet now that his father was working directly with Starfleet anyway--there was no reason to relocate anywhere else. It was plenty of space to have company. And his mother was an excellent hostess, she already had everything prepped. Things would go smoothly. 

Yet still there was an incessant buzz in his stomach that he couldn't shake no matter what he tried. He paced, he helped his mother, he needlessly tidied up things that were already clean. No matter of reasoning or distractions would get rid of it. 

And every single time he imagined Jim walking in that door, it grew. 

"Spock." 

Spock jumped, surprising both himself and his father. "Apologies." he muttered. "I was deeper in thought than I had originally anticipated." 

His father simply once'd over him. "Are you feeling alright?" he asked almost hesitantly. "You seem restless." 

"I am completely fine, I assure you." Spock lied smoothly; his thoughts were nonsense at the moment, he was worried he'd disappoint his father if he knew he was like this. He'd been weird since he met Jim, he was sure it probably showed, he didn't want to draw anymore attention to it. 

Though, as his father nodded and began to walk away, Spock quickly took a step closer. "Wait." 

His father paused, turning to him once again. "What is it?" 

Spock hadn't considered this option. He thought if he spoke to anyone about _feelings,_ it would be his mother. But as much as he didn't want to admit it or discredit his mother, Spock had a suspicion about what was going on here. And if that were the case, then there was only one person in the whole world--in the whole _universe_ \-- who had been through it. And he was standing right in front of him. 

Spock spoke carefully, every word thought out and thought about again before it left his mouth: "How did you know mother was the one you were supposed to be with?" he paused for a moment, casting his eyes aside, "even though she was human?" 

His father raised his eyebrows in surprise, but he didn't seem upset, which was a good start. He cleared his throat. "Well, it was confusing at first. We are mind-driven creatures after all. We rely on logic and clear thought, so we're taught that emotions are compromising. But we are the only ones who feel the connections with our bond mates right away, and for sure. Humans have soulmates, but they're never sure. It is difficult to understand why we are taught to not embrace our emotions, yet feel so much deeper than most other species." 

His father took a moment to organize his thoughts, and suddenly something softened on his face. "But it is not bad. There is a point when you will realize that feeling is not bad, we are meant to feel. And your bond mate will probably be that point. Your bond mate was not randomly selected, Spock. The universe saw the love you would share with this person and made the logical decision to bring you to them. You will know, I can't tell you. And despite the conflict and confusion it will cause, in the end, you will be whole." 

Spock took a breath, absorbing as much of that as he could. It was a lot to take in. Spock had wondered if his father would scold him for thinking about emotions like this, but he suddenly felt so much more comfortable around him--the way he spoke about emotions as they were something so precious. Spock felt as if he had been trying to overcompensate for his half human part for his entire life for absolutely no reason. 

"Spock." His father said after a moment of silence, his eyes firmly locked onto Spock's. "Could this be about James?" 

Spock shifted, his voice getting caught somewhere along the way. "That is..." He spared only a moment to find his voice, stuck in his throat, before he spoke again:

"Unclear." 

"Jesus Christ Bones, how long does it take you to do your hair?" 

"I am not 'doing' my hair," Bones shouted from the bathroom. "I'm just brushing it, try it sometime." 

"I will not." Kirk said, dramatically laying back on the couch. He was fully dressed and ready--he decided to just go casual, it was just a friendly dinner, no big deal. He had told himself this about ten times every hour. 

God, he was nervous. 

_It's Spock's dad that makes me nervous._ he told himself. _It's the fear of insulting their culture somehow. It's because I'll probably say something embarrassing. It's because I have to worry about not only me, but Bones too._

And while he was considerate of these things, he wasn't so foolish to actually believe them. There was something about Spock that set him utterly off balance. Perhaps it was Spock's composure, it made Kirk feel clumsy. Or how little he spoke made Kirk feel so loud. Maybe he was so still he made Kirk felt like he was moving far too much. 

Maybe it was the way Spock always stood alone that made Kirk feel so hyper-aware of Bone's presence at his side. 

He couldn't tell. All he knew was that despite it all, he was excited to see Spock again. 

Bones finally came out of the bathroom. His hair was neatly brushed and he smelled like nice cologne. "About time." Kirk huffed, hopping to his feet. "You take so long to get ready. You're lucky you look good, otherwise I wouldn't wait for you." 

"I'll take that as a compliment," Bones said, kissing him before beginning to head out, pulling his jacket on. "Anyway, tomorrow after work?" 

"Tomorrow after work." Kirk agreed. 

Tomorrow after work, they'd begin moving Kirk in. They had planned it out earlier, and Kirk still somehow felt like it wasn't real, like it wasn't really happening at all. 

But this dinner, that felt real, that was happening. 

He was anxious, but he was beyond thankful to finally get moving. He couldn't stand in one place anymore, he felt too rooted, too susceptible to have the floor ripped out from under him.

The only thing scarier than moving towards something was staying still. 

They had been out just the night before, but it was already getting a bit colder. Which Kirk still enjoyed and didn't find too cold, but now he had to listen to Bones' grumbling about how cold it was the entire way there. 

They decided to walk again considering it wasn't that far, and Kirk needed to move. Bones could tell he was jittery and didn't insist on taking the truck, thankfully. 

The Starfleet building came into view and Kirk couldn't help but stare in awe of it. He forgot how big it was. Every now and then it would house different species when they were there for diplomatic reasons, and there were _so_ many workers and technology in that one building. It was an attractive thought, but Kirk knew he'd go mad with boredom if all he ever did was fill out paperwork and monitor galactic relations or whatever it was they even did when they didn't have any visitors. 

Just as they stepped onto the first step, Bones' phone rang. 

"Hold on, kid," he said, quickly answering it. "Uh-huh." he paused, a grimace on his face. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me... Yeah, I'll be there."

He hung up, looking at Kirk apologetically. "I gotta go. There was a really bad accident, they need me." 

Kirk frowned, glancing back at the building--it suddenly looked _too_ big. "Okay." he said after a moment. "Go, hurry up, I'll see you later, okay?" 

Bones nodded, giving him a rushed kiss before jogging off. Kirk stood on the steps for a moment, trying to decide if he should bail. Would it be weird if he showed up alone? Even uncustomary? They _had_ invited them both... 

"Excuse me?" 

Kirk snapped out of it when a girl stood in the doorway, donning a Starfleet uniform. "Hi, are you here to see Sarek? He asked that I show you to his and his family's quarters, if you're ready." 

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm ready," he said, not taking a moment to think about it. 

_Well,_ he thought as he rushed up the steps, following her inside. _Guess that answers that._

She lead him through the massive building and all he did was gawk like an idiot the entire time. They eventually reached an area full of dorms and suites, and she lead him further down to where the larger ones were--some of these dorms looked more like small houses. They stopped before one--the girl quickly knocked and waited until Spock answered before saying her goodbyes and leaving them. 

Spock looked almost surprised. "Is Leonard late?" 

"He couldn't come," Kirk said with a shrug. 

"He left you to attend dinner alone?" Spock asked, the disapproval in his voice was unmistakable. It seemed that Spock had no intention of ever even trying to like Bones. Maybe it was a good thing he didn't come. 

Kirk couldn't help but laugh a little. "He's a doctor. When work calls, he answers." 

Spock simply hummed slightly. "Please come in."

Kirk wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting, but everything was so _normal._ Amanda and Sarek were chatting lightly in the kitchen, the table was set. It was inviting and warm. It felt like coming home. 

Amanda noticed him quickly, smiling. "Jim," she said, looking around slightly. 

"Just me." Kirk informed. "Bones had to rush to work." 

"Well that's just fine," she insisted, "have a seat." 

Kirk had also been worried that sitting down and eating with them would be some sort of challenge; like he had to be on his best behavior. But once again, it was almost simple. If it weren't for the way he was hyper-aware of Spock sitting next to him, or how his composure seemed so pitiful next to his, it would've been as easy as breathing. 

He was nervous, he thought. Or maybe just charged. There was a current on the air, every breath brought new friction to his lungs. It was static he exhaled.

"Don't be nervous," Amanda said suddenly in the middle of dinner, which of course just made Kirk's skin burn, despite the kindness in her voice.

"Yes." Sarek agreed, "we know how humans are." 

"Sarek," Amanda whispered harshly, and for a few moments he looked genuinely surprised by her anger. 

After a few moments, it caught up with him and he turned to Kirk. "Ah, I assure you, I did not mean it in that way. Apologies." Though it seemed he wasn't getting off that easy, because Amanda lowered her voice as she continued to scold him. 

And all Kirk could do was smile as he watched them, warmth spreading through him, his heart suddenly _yearning._ There was something about this that captivated Kirk's heart--they were so in love. Just this small display was a testimony to their closeness, and Kirk could only imagine the kind of connection they must share. 

After that, sitting at Spock's side put him at ease. 

"You're sure you don't want help?" Kirk asked. 

"We've got it, dear," Amanda said with a smile as her and Sarek disappeared into the kitchen to tend to the dishes. 

"Was this enjoyable?" Spock asked after a moment, his eyes somewhere on the table. "Despite the absence of your mate?" 

Kirk couldn't help the grin on his face. "You seem awfully disappointed he couldn't make it." 

"I firmly assure you that's not true." Spock said, glancing at Kirk. "I am quite pleased with how things turned out." 

"Me too." Kirk said, feeling almost guilty about admitting it. Shouldn't he have been thinking about Bones all damn night? He had barely even crossed his mind since he left. Kirk couldn't decide if that was normal or not. He was always with him, maybe it was natural for him to not be focused on him when they were away too. 

"You had a good time, then?" Spock asked, obvious relief in his voice. 

"I did. Of course I did." 

Spock fidgeted with the table cloth almost awkwardly. "I suppose you should return home. May I walk you back?" 

Kirk sputtered in surprise, a laugh following. "Seriously? You're gonna walk me all the way home just to walk all the way back here?" 

"Yes." Spock replied, not a hint of uncertainty on his face. "If that's alright with you." 

Kirk's chest stirred; he bit his lip to keep the smile on his face from growing too much. "It's fine with me." 

Kirk quickly thanked Spock's parents for having him and promised to see them again soon, then they were out. It was a little colder now, but not by much. After a few steps, Kirk realized Spock wasn't complaining about it--now _that_ was definitely something Kirk wasn't used to. "You're not too cold?" he asked after a moment. 

"Not at all." Spock said simply. "Vulcans can regulate their body heat." he paused, suddenly looking at Kirk with what he would imagine is the Vulcan equivalent to worry. "Are _you_ too cold?" 

Kirk laughed. "No, I like when the weather starts getting colder," he assured. 

"Careful not to get ill. You humans are very fragile." Spock paused for a moment, looking to Kirk. "Was that disrespectful?"

Kirk once again found himself laughing--of all people, he found _Spock_ to be funny. There was something about him. He was always trying. And there was a warmth to his presence that either made Kirk's skin burn or put him completely at ease. Maybe the air was too chilled for him to burn this time. 

"Not coming from you, Spock. Trust me." 

Spock didn't seem to understand, but he didn't question it. "I think you understand me quite well," Spock said, looking straight ahead. "Yet I can't seem to understand a single thing about you." 

So maybe his skin could still burn. 

"I don't think I understand you either," Kirk spoke, not thinking about a single word. Except this time he didn't feel he needed to. "I just think being around you is easy. I have a lot to learn." 

Spock looked at him and he smiled. "I do too." 

Kirk looked away, a smile on face. "Yeah, well, I'm a quick learner. So good luck keeping up with me." 

"You think so?" Spock asked, raising an eyebrow, amusement on his voice. It was so obvious to Kirk, but when he took a step back and really thought about it from an outside perspective, he realized that Spock's subtle emotions weren't obvious at all. Kirk just seemed to pick up on them easily.

It only made his confidence stronger. 

"Oh, I know so." Kirk said with a grin. 

"I suppose we'll see." 

"I guess we will." Kirk said smugly. He was almost disappointed when he saw their place ahead. "This is ours." 

"'Ours?'" Spock asked, the amusement and smile off his face just as quickly as it had appeared there. "You live with him?" 

"Yep." Kirk answered, fighting the odd urge to defend himself. "Well, I guess this is where we part ways for now, huh?" 

Spock shifted his weight slightly. "Perhaps you wouldn't mind sharing your phone number with me," he practically mumbled. 

Relief washed over him; he almost sighed from it. Kirk wouldn't have been able to take it if they just left this all behind now. Maybe he was just out of his mind, but he felt like they had come way too far to turn back now. "Yes, definitely. If you give me a minute, I'll go grab some stuff to write it down--" 

"Not necessary, I'll remember it." that smile found his face, and maybe it was even a little _smug._ "I am a quick learner." 

Kirk felt oddly exhilarated as he told Spock his number; like he was standing right on the precipice of something _so_ much bigger than just sharing his contact information with a new friend. 

"I will contact you." Spock assured. "We will do this again sometime. And perhaps Leonard can join us. That is, if he can make the time." that tone of voice was definitely as smug as a Vulcan could get, Kirk had no doubts about that. 

Kirk laughed more than he probably should have. He shoved Spock's arm playfully. "Spock, shut up," he said, biting his lip once again, this time to hold back more laughs. Had he ever had to do this before? Had he ever had such a good time he felt like he needed to hold some of it back? 

He didn't stop to think about it, just left it at that and rushed inside; he was so warm, it might as well had been a summer night they walked through together. 

And Spock was left there, a smile on his face as he watched Jim disappear inside with that grin on his face; that color in his cheeks. 

Things suddenly became much clearer. 


	5. The Way the Rain Comes Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I spent my Valentine's Day watching Star Trek, and honestly, it was a damn good day! And I'm definitely glad to be writing. Thank you guys for all the support I'm getting, every hit, kudos, and comment means the whole world to me :')

"Kid, why don't you have any stuff?" 

"I _do_ have stuff," Kirk defended, motioning to the five boxes he had packed, ready and waiting in the middle of his apartment. "I mean, there's not much else I need other than clothes and books. And half my clothes are at your place anyway." 

" _Our_ place," Bones corrected, flicking Kirk on the forehead before scooping up a box. "Well," he grunted, "I guess let's get moving." 

Kirk quickly grabbed one as well, following him out to the truck. "Hey, how'd the call go last night?" Kirk asked as they walked; he had completely passed out after getting home the other night, and Bones had another early day right after that so they hadn't really gotten the chance to talk much. 

"It was alright. Messy, but we didn't lose anybody. Drunk drivers," he said with a roll of his eyes. "How'd the dinner go?" 

"Great," Kirk said eagerly, dropping his box in the bed of the truck with a huff. "Everyone was sad you couldn't make it." And that was a flat out _lie_ , but it was better than the alternative: _It went great! Spock was glad you weren't there._

"Awe, that's nice. I feel bad about leaving you," he said, a smug look on his face. "Did you embarrass yourself?" 

"No," Kirk said with a roll of his eyes. "I was on my best behavior. _You_ would've embarrassed me, you have no filter." 

Bones scoffed as he started back inside. "Oh coming from you." 

"I can put a filter on when I need it," Kirk argued; then paused thoughtfully. "Well, in front of Vulcans anyway." 

"You think you'll see Spock again?" 

"Probably," Kirk said, patting his phone through his pocket. "Gave him my number." 

"Oh wow," Bones said as nonchalantly as he could, lifting another box. There was definitely an edge to his voice, though. Kirk decided to ignore it. "Here I thought he was just tolerating your company."

Kirk laughed as he followed him out with another box. "Me too." 

It only took them a few more minutes to move the last few boxes into Bones' truck. He leaned in the doorway, looking around his empty apartment. "Geez. This is weird." he muttered. 

"No kidding," Bones said, standing behind him. "Lots of memories here, huh?" 

Kirk's heart twisted; there really was. This was his first place he had moved into all by himself. So many poor choices and late nights--in fact, one of those poor choices and late nights in this apartment was hooking up with Bones for the first time. A smile found his face--in that moment, he never would've thought they'd have ended up here. Kirk was moving in with him--Kirk _loved_ him. That was definitely something he never saw coming. 

"Yeah," Kirk muttered, "but there's a lot more at your place. Makes sense that's where we're going."

"Plus, mine's bigger." 

"I've heard _that_ before. Please Bones, I'm trying to have a moment here," Kirk said with a grin, enjoying the way Bones rolled his eyes so hard they almost spun right out of his skull. 

Bones tussled Kirk's hair. "Shut up, don't be gross." he said, but the softness in his voice was his attempt at some kind of comfort. It was endearing, and it made Kirk suddenly feel so much more ready to follow him anywhere. 

Kirk took a deep breath, looking over the apartment one more time, then shut the door for the last time.

Getting the boxes in the house was easy enough, but they were both so lazy, it seemed those boxes would be living in the living room for the night. 

Bones had an excuse; he had a late night and then an early day. Kirk hadn't even gone to work yet, he was just lazy for no reason. Kirk sank into a chair at the table, watching Bones absently look through mail. There was an odd comfort in this; this sense of solidity. So simple, so domestic. It was _easy;_ loving Bones was easy. Being in his presence was easy. 

Yet even as he had this thought, he glanced at his phone. It was only 3:30, and Kirk couldn't help but wonder if Spock would call him today. 

He hoped so. 

***

Spock sat in their kitchen, staring at the phone. He wished he had a reason to call so soon. 

He tried to come up with so many reasons, but each time he pieced them apart and realized they were weak, flimsy excuses. Not a hint of reason or logic. And maybe Spock would've risked it--would've risked coming off as completely pathetic, grasping for an excuse he could, if it had not been for how much he cared about what Jim thought of him. 

All Spock could think about was that laugh, that shove. 

_"Spock, shut up."_

It had been spoken with such fondness then; almost every word he spoke to him was in fondness. Spock was worried if he was constantly trying to speak to him, that fondness would wear off. He was scared of overdoing it. 

Spock let out a sigh and rested his head on the table. He was also _quite_ exhausted trying to figure out his emotions. He had been internally embracing them the best he could after his talk with his father, but his mind was never at ease now. He knew that if emotions ran deep in him, it would only make sense that he come to understand them so he could be in completely control of himself. But he didn't have a moment of peace now, it was _agonizing._ Was this how humans always were? He couldn't even imagine. They were stronger than he gave them credit for. 

"Hanging in there?" 

Spock took another breath, sitting up properly now. "Yes mother, I am fine. I am just preoccupied with thoughts." 

"You know," she said, glancing at the phone. "You could just _call._ I bet he wants to hear from you just as bad." 

"That's foolish," Spock said, shaking his head. "I promise you he is not feeling even remotely close to what I am feeling." 

His mother simply shrugged, but there was a knowing grin on her face that Spock couldn't quite understand. 

His father came walking in, joining them in the kitchen. He looked a bit tired--he had a very early meeting that morning and had been there all day. All the officials of Starfleet met up to discuss what they should do about the hostile race that attacked and ultimately destroyed Vulcan. 

"Did Starfleet come to a conclusion, father?" 

"Yes," his father said simply, standing at his mother's side. "We have decided there is nothing we can do. It would be unwise to risk any kind of contact with them." 

Something dark sat in the pit of Spock's stomach; he could feel it spreading already the more he thought about Starfleet deciding to do _nothing_ after their planet had been destroyed. Spock stood up, doing his best to remain composed. "Father, you cannot be okay with this." he said firmly, "we should not be sitting still. Other planets could be in danger--" 

"What do you suggest? Starfleet fight them? Starfleet is not a military, it is a government." 

"There doesn't need to be violence--" 

"They are _hostile._ I do not wish to discuss this further," his father said, walking out without giving Spock a chance to say another word. His mother eyed Spock apologetically for a moment before following after him. 

Spock was left there, standing alone, fists clenching painfully at his side. He hadn't even let him _speak._

His eyes involuntarily cut to the phone. Maybe he had a reason after all. 

He dialed the number before he could change his mind. Jim picked up quickly: "Heyo." 

"Jim." 

"Spock!" the excitement in his voice made Spock's breath suddenly come a bit easier. "What can I do for ya?" 

"I was wondering if you were available to talk," he said, glancing around the house for a moment. "Not on the phone. In person." 

"Yeah, sure. Everything alright?" 

"Yes, I just need to talk. And I would prefer to be away from my parents at the moment," he said quietly. 

"Okay, sure. Meet you at the park in a few minutes?" 

"Yes. Thank you." 

Kirk hummed. "See ya soon." 

When Spock reached the park, he was surprised to see Jim had beat him there. 

He was sitting on a bench, absently staring off. There was something about looking at him there, just waiting--waiting for _Spock_ \--that made the Vulcan quicken his pace. Whatever it would take to be at his side. 

Jim's face lit up when he saw Spock, those shockingly blue eyes managing to stop Spock in his tracks once again. He quickly sat down beside him before he lost his composure. "It is good to see you." 

Jim smiled at him, warm and genuine. "So is everything alright? What did you want to talk about?" 

Spock sighed. "Starfleet has decided to do nothing about the hostile species that attacked my planet," he said, waiting for Jim to cut him off, but he was just listening intently--his eyes completely focused on him. "I said I thought we should do something about it, and my father shut me down saying that Starfleet couldn't fight. But I never suggested violence. He won't listen to me." 

"Did you have something else in mind?" Jim asked softly. 

"Yes. Starfleet could warn other planets or offer aid to those who might be affected." he paused, thoughtfully. "I just do not see a point in a space program that will not step foot into space unless absolutely necessary. How can they govern a frontier they've barely touched?" 

"I completely agree."

Spock looked at him, doing his best not to be too outwardly surprised. "You do?" he asked, almost hesitantly, like Jim might suddenly change his mind. 

"Yeah!" he said, looking just as frustrated as Spock felt. "A whole planet is inhabitable; its population completely cut down, and Starfleet wants to do nothing? The only reason they took you guys in at all was because relations between Earth and Vulcan had been so hand-in-hand for so long." Jim shook his head disapprovingly. "They have so much power and technology, but are too scared to do anything with it." 

"Yes," Spock said, sounding relieved. Finally, someone who _understood._ And he looked so passionate when he spoke about it--a light in his eyes, like he'd caught the stars in within them.

There were galaxies in those eyes, and all Spock wanted to do was find them. 

"You should try and work there," Jim said casually. "Seriously, they need some new perspective." 

That caught him off guard. Work for Starfleet? Spock looked ahead thoughtfully and hummed. "I hadn't considered it before." 

Kirk nudged him lightly. "Well you should start," he glanced at his watch, then back at Spock regrettably. "I have to go to work. You want me to give you a ride home? I brought my bike." 

"Definitely not." Spock said adamantly--the last place he wanted to be right now was at home. 

Kirk chewed it over for a moment before looking back at Spock. "Well, I've got a really short shift. And it's a weekend; it'll be dead and we close early, so you could come with me. If you want, you don't have to, I just figured--" 

"I would love to, Jim." Spock assured with a smile. 

Kirk returned it--no, he returned it and then some. His was brighter, warmer, like Spock was basking in sunlight--an activity he thought he would never really enjoy until this moment. 

"Let's go." 

***

Kirk wasn't worried about bringing Spock along. 

He'd brought Bones along a handful of times; no one at the garage cared. So long as Kirk showed up and clocked in, they were happy. He was a little worried about Spock getting bored, though. 

The moment Kirk parked, Spock quickly stepped off the bike, looking a bit frazzled. "You drive very fast." 

"That's why it took us under three minutes to get here," Kirk said with a rather proud grin, hopping off as well. He hadn't needed to bring his bike--not to the park or to work, everything was close. But again, Kirk was a pretty lazy person when he wanted to be, especially on the weekends. 

Thankfully for him, his only plan for this short shift was to finish the motorcycle he'd been working on. He was almost finished; he'd get it done no problem, even with the short shift. And if he had to stay after, he would. 

As Kirk worked on the bike, Spock sat nearby, watching closely. Kirk couldn't tell if he was interested or distracted; Kirk wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter. Spock, of course, was keeping everything down to the absolute minimum, but what Kirk could gather was that Spock had gotten into some kind of actual argument with his parents. Enough to keep Spock away, anyway. Though Kirk wouldn't press it any further, he didn't want to upset him. 

Instead, he talked to him about anything that would come to mind--they burned through random topics; from their childhood to food they liked. 

It had been an attempt to distract Spock from unpleasant thoughts, but Kirk found himself quite distracted as well. It was so easy to talk to Spock for some reason, even if Spock didn't do much talking. 

Once Kirk got started speaking with him, it was all he wanted to do. 

Kirk's shift was only a few hours, and the shop closed quickly, but they were still there. Kirk was so close to finishing the bike, and Spock was more than eager to stay, so it worked out in favor for them both. 

"So how was moving in?" Spock asked after some silence. Kirk was too busy to look away, but he could feel Spock's gaze on his face. The attention made his ears burn slightly. 

"Easy," Kirk answered. "I barely have anything." 

"So what is the next step?" Spock asked, an odd knit in his eyebrows. "Marriage?" 

Kirk sputtered in shock, almost breaking off the piece of the bike he was currently trying to reattach. "Jesus, Spock," Kirk gasped. "I don't know! I'm not thinking about anything like that, I _just_ moved in." 

Spock watched him closely; Kirk felt like his every move was being considered. Once again, he found himself feeling too clumsy. "You humans move so slowly with each other." 

"Well duh, you've gotta be sure about these kinds of things," Kirk defended. "You're saying you guys don't take it slowly?" 

"We can feel who our bond mates are, we don't need to take it slow." 

"Bond mates?" Kirk asked, turning his attention to him now; something about that struck something deep inside him; he couldn't have focused on anything else even if he wanted to. 

"You humans like the term 'soulmates'," Spock explained, "it is essentially the same thing. Except Vulcans can feel who their bond mate is. We can also link our minds to theirs. There is many intricacies to it, but to put it simply, that is what it is." 

Kirk nodded slightly. "Wow," he muttered thoughtfully, a smile finding his face. "So it's destined, huh? Who we're supposed to be with?" 

"It seems that way." 

"I'm guessing you haven't found yours yet, then?" 

Spock hesitated, the tips of his ears flushing green. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out right away. He didn't have a chance before raindrops started slowly falling around them. It was slow now, but it would pick up, and Kirk would be damned if the freshly cleaned exterior of the bike got covered with water stains. "Shoot," he said with a laugh, getting to his feet. "Help me carry this in the garage?" 

Spock took it upon himself to just pick up the entire thing. "I have it under control," he said, walking towards the garage. 

Kirk rolled his eyes and began collecting his tools off the ground when thunder boomed overhead. Seconds after, the raining came absolutely pouring down. "Holy shit!" he laughed, quickly grabbing all his tools. He rushed behind Spock and shoved him lightly. "Hurry up, I don't want to have to clean that bike again!" 

They rushed inside, Kirk practically stumbling through. Spock carefully set the bike down while Kirk just recklessly dropped all his tools on the closest work bench. He was a bit breathless; it was cold enough now for his breaths to leave him in visible puffs. He just turned and stared out the open garage, watching the rain coming down. "That's coming down with a _vengeance._ " 

Spock looked outside quizzically. "I do not think rain has the capability to feel--" 

"Figure of speech, Spock," Kirk laughed, walking over and yanking the garage door down. 

It was old and getting pretty rusty, he had to put quite a bit of work into it, and the force it took to shut it sent him stumbling slightly. He managed to step on a tool that had been abandoned on the floor and definitely would've fallen if Spock hadn't rushed to catch him. 

Kirk grabbed Spock's arms to steady himself, a surprised laugh leaving him. "My bad, thanks," he breathed, looking up at him. 

And there it was again, just like when he saw him for the first time--their eyes had hooked onto each other, and he couldn't look away. 

It was almost eerie; there were windows that let in the minuscule light from outside, but other than that, it was completely dark. The gray glow from outside cast on Spock's face made his dark eyes seem _black--_ there was no beginning or ending in that kind of darkness, not a sense of direction. If Kirk tried to peak into those depths too much, he'd be lost. 

"Your eyes are like light," Spock said suddenly, anchoring Kirk in place. At least he knew if Spock spoke to him, he wouldn't drift too far. "They seem to glow in this darkness." 

Kirk didn't know what to say, and he still couldn't bring himself to look away just yet. He opened his mouth to try and think of something when his phone rang, scaring him so bad he ripped away from Spock--ripped away from those eyes. "Fuck," he muttered, placing a hand against his racing heart, the spike of terror slowly calming as he scrambled to get the phone out of his pocket. It was Bones.

"Yeah?" Kirk answered, surprised he found a voice to answer with at all. 

"Kid, where the hell are you?! Your shift ended almost an hour ago and it's pouring rain, are you alright?" 

"I'm fine, I was just finishing something up, sorry. Shoulda called," Kirk said quickly, glancing over at Spock, speaking to them both now: "But it is _pouring_ rain, so we should get out of here before the roads get too bad." 

"'We'?" Bones asked. 

"Yeah, Spock's here with me," he said, quickly rushing to get the shop all closed up. "We're gonna take off. I'll see you when I get home." 

"Yeah." was all Bones grumbled before hanging up. 

"Someone's grumpy," Kirk muttered to himself, shoving his phone in his pocket. He turned to Spock. "Ready for me to take you home now?" 

Spock let out a slight sigh, but he nodded. "Yes. I believe it is time I go back." 

Kirk took the ride a little slower than he probably would usually. He wasn't necessarily scared of riding his motorcycle when the roads were slick, he was just more concerned with the rain becoming stinging if they drove too quickly. 

Kirk stopped before Starfleet, not bothering to turn her engine off or put the kickstand up. "I'll talk to you soon?" 

"Of course." Spock said, stepping off. "Drive home carefully, Jim." he said so softly Kirk almost didn't want to leave. 

Instead, he just nodded and started home. He'd probably get an earful from Bones for being home so late without telling him, so the sooner he got back the better. 

The rain was coming down hard, and he was now thankful his lazy ass decided to bring his bike after all. He was soaked just from the few minutes on the road. He walked inside, quickly shedding his wet jacket. "I'm home," he called. 

Bones walked in, leaning against the wall, arms crossed. He didn't look happy. "You could've called." 

"Yeah, sorry," Kirk said, grabbing a dish towel and tending to his dripping hair. "I was working on the bike and Spock didn't want to go home, I got caught up." 

"So he was there with you the entire time?" Bones questioned. The tone in his voice suddenly made Kirk feel like he was being interrogated. And not surprisingly, it sort of pissed Kirk off. 

"Yeah? Who cares?" Kirk asked sharply, giving him his full attention now. 

"All I know is that when you and I have stayed after hours at the shop, we were _definitely_ not working." Bones said, weight to his voice. 

"Is this really happening?" Kirk asked with a humorless laugh. "I'm not getting into this." 

"Fine, maybe I'm being overly paranoid," Bones said, walking over. He grabbed a new, dry towel and tossed it to Kirk. "I just think it's weird how much time you spend with him. It's like every time you leave the house, you manage to bump into him. And now you're spending time with him at _work?_ And you're not telling me?" 

"Jesus Christ, Bones, he's my _friend._ " Kirk snapped, throwing the towel aside. "I'm not going to get your permission, and I'm certainly not going to update you on what I'm doing every few minutes. You being jealous is not my fault. I'm allowed to spend time with other people." 

"Well you never seemed to mind it being just you and I until pointy ears showed up." 

"Oh my god!" Kirk groaned, raking his fingers through his hair in frustration. "This is _unbelievable!"_

Bones jaw tightened in a kind of genuine rage Kirk had never seen directed at him before. "Yeah. It is." he practically growled, turning and stomping into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. 

Kirk wasn't sure when his breath had become labored, but all he was left with now was the sound of his breathing and his blood roaring in his ears. He kicked over the nearest chair then immediately sank into the one right beside him, trying to suck in slower breaths. He buried his face in his hands for a few moments. Once his breathing had slowed and the burning in every single one of his cells finally dulled to a simmer, he ran his fingers through his hair, a deep sigh leaving him. 

He could feel the weight of his phone in his pocket, and he actually considered calling Spock. 

But he thought better of it. That would make Bones' head absolutely _explode._ Plus, Spock had his own shit he was trying to work out right now. He had _just_ gone home, Kirk wouldn't bother him now. 

So instead, he just rested his head on the table and sat there, trying to decide what he should do next. 

At some point, Kirk had drifted to sleep. 

He woke to gentle hands on him. "Kid," Bones said softly, rubbing his back slightly. "M'sorry. C'mon, this is gonna kill your back, come to bed." 

Groggy and definitely already sore, Kirk let Bones help him stand. The softness in Bones' voice made Kirk's heart twist; it was so welcoming. He rested his head on Bones' shoulder as they walked. "I should've called," he said, his voice weighty with sleep. 

"I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it," Bones whispered against the side of Kirk's head, and Kirk shut his eyes with the relief. 

As they settled into bed, Kirk curled up beside him. He should've changed his clothes, he should've brushed his hair, maybe he still should've been mad. But all he wanted was to be at Bones' side. 

"I love you, darlin'." 

"I love you, too," Kirk whispered. And he did, _so_ much, he could feel it in his bones. A small smile found his face--he had named him Bones based off a joke that he fixed broken bones, but maybe this was why he should've named him this. 

Kirk had absolutely no doubt that he loved him with everything he had. Yet a deep confusion still stirred in him, like something wasn't quite right. 

Loving Bones confused him, and he had no idea why.

Not yet, anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slightly late update! But I've also just made a tumblr! :) @hunnyccake  
> It's just for reblogging Spirk and Star Trek content basically, so if you're interested, come say hi!


	6. What He Told Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this one is MUCH later than I intended; I had something come up when I was half way through writing this!! :( But I managed to finish, so here we are! I know my updating schedule is kinda all over the place, but I can at least say that they will be daily, so no worries there :) Please do enjoy!

It had been three days since Spock had last seen Jim. 

They talked over the phone everyday, though, but Spock was beginning to get antsy--as if he actually _needed_ Jim's company to feel alright. He supposed he did. But he was worried he had done something wrong. All he could think about was that moment in the garage, in the dark. Jim had been nothing more than silhouette, but his _eyes._

Spock's felt the tips of his ears flush. He had _thought_ Jim had been just as swept away by the moment as he had. But Jim seemed hesitant to see him again now. 

On top of all this, he and his father had barely said a word to each other. Spock simply didn't feel like speaking to someone who didn't want to listen, and his father clearly had no desire to try. 

His mind was spinning even more than usual these past couple days. He often found himself sitting outside, staring up at the sky. There wasn't much to look at lately--dark clouds always blocking out the sun. Blocking out that blue Spock had become so fond of. 

"Are you still upset, dear?" 

Spock turned to watch his mother as she came and sat beside him. Spock looked back ahead. "I am not upset. I just won't speak if he won't listen." 

"I'll talk to him," she said, resting a hand on his shoulder. After a moment or two, she offered a smile and nudged him lightly. "I hear you talking to Jim quite often." 

"Yes." Spock said simply, hoping his skin hadn't grown too green at the comment. 

"Well... Do you...?" her voice trailed as she thought carefully about what to say, but Spock already knew what she was hinting at. 

"Love him? Yes, I think so." 

"I see," she said, barely able to contain that smile of hers. It was the first sign of sunlight Spock had seen in awhile. It was too bright. 

"Do not appear so happy," he said, casting his eyes back to the darkness overhead. "He is not mine. He doesn't love me, his heart already belongs to someone else." he hugged his knees against his chest. "I do not know how to make him love me." 

"Don't think so hard about it," she said, wrapping her arm around him. "You can't _make_ anyone love you. But you don't need to. You think I was certain I was meant to be with your father right away? Of course not, we don't feel the connection like you guys can. It's just a gut feeling, and it's confusing. But I promise you, however confused he may be, he's feeling something." 

Spock glanced at her, surprised. "You were confused?" 

She laughed softly. "Of course! It's an intense, foreign feeling. It's cosmic, it's not something humans are used to feeling. It took time." she paused slightly. "But I imagine it's even harder for him. I wasn't with somebody else when I met Sarek. It was easy to decide to take a chance on him, I had nothing or no one else to lose. It must be even more complicated for him." 

Something about this brought Spock a slight comfort, but the fear was still gnawing away at his insides--what if he had met Jim too late in life? "It feels like they are moving so fast," he muttered. "They live together. He shied away from it, but I know what comes next." he glanced at her, not bothering to attempt to hide his worry. "What if he does not ever leave him? What if he never takes that chance?" 

His mother softened, placing a gentle hand on Spock's face. Spock allowed himself to feel her compassion and love for him through the connection; it soothed him. "Whatever will be, will be, my son. But you've got the universe on your side," she smiled at him. "I think your odds are pretty high." 

Spock returned the smile softly. 

What will be, will be. 

***

Kirk was sprawled out on the couch, watching TV. He was actually watching the news for once. Granted, it was because he couldn't find the remote and was too comfortable to get up, but at least he was watching it. 

He heard the key in the lock, then Bones came in, looking winded. "I got you a present, finish pulling it in here." 

Kirk hopped up and rushed over to find a ready-to-assemble bookshelf. "You got me a bookshelf? Why?" he asked, dragging the thing in the house--it was heavy. "Wait, this was the 'errands' you had to do before work?"

Bones ignored that last part. "Because you've got a thousand damn books that you just keep in stacks on the floor, honestly, I can't believe you never got one," he grumbled, but even as he did so, he leaned over and kissed him. "You're off tonight, you should put it together." 

Kirk smirked, absently tracing a finger along Bones' jaw. "I have to put together my own gift? What a scam." 

"You're literally a mechanic, I think you can handle a bookshelf." Bones said with a roll of his eyes. "I gotta get going pretty soon. I'm taking a later shift tonight, I probably won't be back until after you're asleep." 

Kirk groaned, falling back on the couch. "I'm going to be so bored." 

"Call Spock," Bones said, and despite his best efforts, there was a bit of strain to his voice. 

Kirk stared at him for a moment, then glanced aside. "Maybe." he said softly. He hadn't seen Spock since he fought with Bones. Bones said he shouldn't have freaked out, and Kirk had said he wasn't going to stop seeing Spock just because it made Bones jealous, yet he still felt weird at the thought of spending time with him. It made Bones _so_ upset. 

But god, he missed him. 

Talking on the phone was okay, but he was absolutely longing to just see him again. Kirk had never felt like he lived in a cage until now; he wasn't sure when Spock had started feeling like freedom, but there was no denying how Kirk was just _itching_ to feel that way again. 

Bones changed into work clothes and sat with Kirk for as long as he could until he had to leave, giving him a kiss and nagging about how bad the roads were, to not stay up too late, and to please eat something other than chips. 

Kirk promised, but he was lying--he was going to have chips for dinner and stay up all night. 

And maybe Kirk should've shown some restraint or dignity, but it must've been ten minutes _tops_ after Bones left that he was dialing Spock's number. 

"Hello Jim," Spock answered; he never kept him waiting. 

"Hey, wanna help me put together a bookshelf?" 

Spock hesitated slightly. "You need help putting together a bookshelf?" 

"Yes." Kirk said with a grin. "That's what I said." 

"Then, if you need assistance, I shall be there soon." he said, and Kirk could've sworn he almost heard the smile on his face. 

Kirk didn't have to wait too long for the knock at the door. 

He swung open the door, not able to help himself. There was something skyrocketing in his chest, he felt like it might burst--but the moment he saw Spock, it all deflated, then he busted out laughing. 

Spock just stood there, dripping wet. "It is raining again." he informed with a frown. "There is a lot more water on this planet than I am accustomed to." 

Kirk pulled him inside, laughing so hard he was _crying_. "Oh my god, Spock! Hold on--" he rushed to the bathroom, grabbing a few towels for him. Spock gratefully accepted, poorly attempting to dry himself off. 

"This is funny?" Spock asked, but the way the corner of his mouth was turned up like that, Kirk guessed he was pretty amused as well. 

Kirk wiped at his eyes, catching his breath finally. The muscles in his stomach were downright aching. "Jesus, Spock... Come sit down with me." 

Spock followed him into the living room, eyed the couch for a moment, then sat on the floor--even laying one of his towels down beforehand. Kirk joined him there, pulling the box over to them. "Why don't you work on getting dried off while I try to open this thing?" 

Kirk got busy doing his best at ripping and tearing at the cardboard while Spock just watched him, looking increasingly uncomfortable. "Why not just use a knife?" 

"Cause I'd have to go get it, duh," Kirk said matter-of-factly. "We don't need it. Just gotta brute strength this--" he gave it another hard tug, disappointed by how little it tore. "Man, this is some sturdy cardboard." 

"Allow me." Spock said, waiting until Kirk had moved his hands away to grab the box and effortlessly tear it completely open.

Kirk stared, his eyes practically sparkling. "How did you do that?" he asked in awe. 

"We're stronger than humans," Spock said, the slightest hint of pride in his voice. "It was easy." 

"Oh you're boasting now," Kirk said with a smirk. "Didn't know Vulcans did _that._ " 

"What was that you said before? You have a lot to learn?" 

"Touche," Kirk said with a laugh, somewhat impressed actually. Maybe Spock was getting a little better at the banter. He returned his attention to the task at hand, pulling out all the pieces, refusing Spock's help that he must've offered a _thousand_ times. 

He huffed as he plopped back down on the floor, right beside Spock this time, instructions in hand. "Okay!" he said, flipping through the pages. "This seems easy enough." he muttered to himself, somehow able to focus despite how little space was left between them. 

"You're reading very quickly," Spock said, startled. 

"I'm not, I'm just looking at the pictures." 

"Jim, I believe there are written directions for a reason." 

"Trust me, they're just overly confusing. We just gotta follow the pictures and it'll be _fine._ " Kirk assured, folding open the instructions and getting to work. 

Spock sighed, but he didn't fight it--just scooted over to help. 

Turns out, Spock sucked at putting furniture together. 

For one of the most intelligent species out there, Kirk had expected a bit more. But Spock just couldn't seem to wrap his mind around the fact that most furniture assembling instructions sucked and made no sense, and spent way too long trying to sort it out. Kirk took it upon himself to build the shelf while Spock tried to make some sense of the directions. 

Though, Kirk still had a great time. 

Laughing at Spock's confusion and listening to him try and think it out aloud was enjoyable enough; but then Kirk would take the directions from him to see the picture, and his hand would brush his, and as cliche as it sounded, it really did send warmth all through him. 

At least Spock was useful for the next part, which was putting all his books on the finished product. 

They stood side-by-side, books in their arms, placing one after the other on the shelf. "These are all yours?" 

"You bet." 

"Impressive." Spock stated, and Kirk felt oddly praised--even Spock's slightest approval was enough to make him feel accomplished. 

The moment they had gotten all the books up, Kirk looked over the shelf and nodded. "We did good." he said. "But I'm starving, I'm ordering food." he stated before making his way into the kitchen, hopping back and sitting on the table.

"'Ordering food'? From here?" Spock asked, standing across from him.

Kirk would've thought he was joking if he didn't look so genuinely confused. "Y'know, having it delivered? Have you never--" he hesitated, remembering Spock had been on Earth for like two weeks. "It's common. Have you ever had pizza?"

There might as well have been question marks floating above Spock's head as he stared back at Kirk like he was speaking nonsense. 

Kirk laughed excitedly. "Oh wow, I'm about to change your _life,_ " he said, quickly dialing the number. 

"You already have." Spock said simply. "But please, go on." 

Kirk just slowly pressed the call button, his face completely red. 

"Okay, are you ready?"

Spock sat there, looking at the pizza in disgust. "It looks... unhealthy." 

"It is," Kirk said with a grin. "Just try it." 

Spock insisted on using a fork, because _of course_ he did. So Kirk just watched, practically bouncing with excitement as he took a bite. Spock looked at him. "It is surprisingly not as bad as it looks." he looked back down at it. "But it tastes like it is not real food." 

"Shut up, that's the most amazing thing you've ever had in your life and you _know_ it," Kirk laughed. 

"You should try my mother's cooking, then we will see what you think." Spock said simply. But apparently it was real enough, because he continued to eat. 

As they ate, it dawned on Kirk how long Spock had been here. The hours had seemed to just fly by, and being around him felt so natural. He wondered how long he'd stay. All he knew was that he didn't want him to go. Not yet.

"You wanna watch a movie or something before you go?" Kirk blurted the moment they had finished eating, like Spock would just go running out before he had the chance. 

Spock seemed almost relieved. "I would love to," he said softly, so Kirk got to work finding just about the longest movie he could manage to find. 

And as they curled up on the couch, sitting right against each other, he was simply at _ease._

He'd never felt anything like this before, like he was home. Safe and secure, but not completely. There was still something else there. Something right on the edge of the unknown; scary and unfamiliar, yet Kirk felt himself drawing closer and closer to it. Like there was just this one last thing between them, and if he could just get to it, there would be no dead space left between him and Spock. 

Kirk wanted nothing more than to venture into it. He just didn't know how. 

Thinking about it tired him out--or maybe everything else tired him out; his mind and heart had been on overdrive all damn day, it was exhausting. He felt himself dozing off, but there was nothing he could do to ward it off.

Even if he had actually tried. 

***

Spock felt Jim's head fall against his shoulder. "Jim?" he asked. 

When he looked at him, something deep in him softened--he was soundly asleep. Perhaps he was reading too much into it, but Spock liked to think Jim felt safe with him. Comfortable. Enough to fall asleep, anyway. 

Spock couldn't take his eyes off him. He lightly moved a piece of stray hair back into place and his heart absolutely lurched at the sight of him like this; he'd do anything, _anything,_ for this to be even somewhat of a normal occurrence. 

Looking at him like this, so beautiful and peaceful, there was only one thing he could think: He was _so_ jealous of Leonard. 

As if on cue, Leonard walked right in the door. 

He stopped dead in his tracks, just staring at them. "You must be kidding," he said, tossing his keys loudly on the table. Spock grimaced, quickly pulling his hand away, more than anything wishing Leonard would be quieter-couldn't he see Jim was trying to sleep? "Are you serious?" 

"I am not sure to what you're referring to--" 

"Let's not play this game." Leonard said sharply, crossing his arms. 

"Very well." Spock said with the same edge. "It's very apparent to me that you dislike me." 

"And it's very apparent to _me,_ that you very much like _him,_ " Leonard said, nodding to Jim. 

Silence followed his accusation; it just sat there between them, heavy and suspended. The weight of it was a bit suffocating, actually. How could Spock answer though? They both knew, there was no point in trying to lie about it. 

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Leonard said, low and grumbling, like he was on the verge of an eruption. "You should go home, Spock." 

Spock looked at Jim, hating the thought of having to wake him, but he lightly shook his shoulder. "Jim," he whispered, "it's time I go." 

"Why?" Jim whined before he had even opened his eyes yet. "You don't have to go," he said softly, his voice thick and stumbling with sleep. He slowly opened those eyes, and it was like stepping into the sunlight--Spock found he already missed the warmer weather on this planet. He wanted that blue sky again, because he knew he wouldn't get to bask in this endless blue; not this time. Not with Leonard staring daggers into him. 

Once the disorientation of sleep had worn off, Jim spared a glance around; the moment he saw Leonard, his eyes became alert as he scrambled to sit up. "Bones!" he exclaimed, an apprehensive smile on his face. 

"I should go," Spock said quietly, just for Jim. "I will speak to you another time." 

Spock quickly got to his feet, pausing before Leonard. "Have a good night." he said; he may have disliked him, but he had common manners regardless. 

Before he could step out, he felt a hand on his wrist. He turned, surprised to see Jim standing there--he was wide-eyed and pink-cheeked, looking just as surprised as Spock felt. "I, uh--" he stammered, pulling his hand away. "I just wanted to thank you. You know, uh, for helping me. So. Thanks." 

"You can call me whenever you may need me," Spock said softly, smoothing out his slightly disheveled hair. "Rest well, Jim." he said, glancing briefly at Leonard--who was _definitely_ on the verge of that eruption now. 

And maybe it was a little petty, but Spock took great pride in the angry redness on Leonard's face as he turned to leave. 

The moment he stepped out and the door shut behind him, he couldn't help but spare a glance back at the window--he knew the blinds were covering it, of course, but the soft glow from inside was somewhat of a comfort when he knew Jim was inside; knowing that he, himself, had just been. He had gotten to share some time with him. 

Except now that time was over, and now Leonard was with him. It made his stomach turn. 

He decided to look only ahead as he focused on getting home. 

***

Kirk just stood there, staring at the shut door.

 _I cannot believe I just did that._ He thought, his heart racing--he couldn't tell if it was from Spock or the fact that he could quite literally _feel_ the anger just radiating off of Bones. _Maybe if I just don't look behind me, he'll go away?_

"Jim."

_Of course not._

"So, uh, how was work?" Kirk asked with a nervous smile as he turned to him, hoping this wouldn't be a big deal. 

Bones did not look happy, his cheeks were red, flushed with anger. He just stood there, arms crossed, that stony look on his face. Looks like this was definitely going to be a big deal.

"When I suggested you invite Spock over, I meant to put together your shelf. Not cuddle with you on the couch." he said sharply, practically _daring_ Kirk to try and talk himself out of this one. 

"I just fell asleep," Kirk assured. "We weren't 'cuddling', I promise you that--" 

"I believe you." Bones said, yet he didn't look any less mad. "It's not _you_ I'm worried about."

"What?--" 

"I don't want him back here, understand?" Bones demanded, and Kirk knew if he was going to argue this, he should save it for another night--Bones was seeing red, this wasn't the time to try any sort of reasoning. 

"Fine." Kirk said, trying to sound somewhat defiant; he wasn't sure he pulled it off. So he tried again: "But I think it's stupid." 

"You think it's _stupid?"_

_Oh god, bad idea._

"You think it's stupid?" Bones repeated again, suddenly so mad he was calm as he walked over to him. "You think it's stupid I don't want the Vulcan in my house anymore after--" 

"I think it's stupid that you think you have anything to worry about with him." Kirk replied sharply. "You said it wasn't me you were worried about, right? You think _Spock_ is something to worry about? You really think he could feel anything more for me than some weird friendship--I'm human, he probably sees me as some annoying yet slightly amusing child." 

"Trust me, darlin', I wish that were true." he looked Kirk up and down, a snarl threatening his face. "But I can assure you, he _definitely_ doesn't see you as a child." 

"Bones!" 

Bones just shrugged dramatically. "Just tellin' you what he told me, doll." he shook his head, his edge suddenly dropping off. He puffed out an angry sigh. "Just don't be long to bed." he grumbled, walking to the bedroom. 

Kirk was left in Bones' wake, his brain trying to process a single word. 

He looked all around the house, thinking hard yet not able to hold a single thought--all he could see was a replay of every moment he and Spock had shared here. He was analyzing it, digging in it to find what Bones was talking about. 

He couldn't focus long enough to find anything substantial, so he just let his gaze fall. 

_"Just tellin' you what he told me, doll."_

_... What he told him?_


	7. The Pull of the Universe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Hope you all enjoy :)

Kirk couldn't sleep thinking about what Bones said. 

He tossed and turned all night trying to understand what _that_ meant; there was no way Spock actually said anything. Especially not to Bones. But Bones also probably wouldn't just make that up for no reason either. 

He decided to just _ask._ Which was probably dumb, but Kirk had never claimed to make good decisions. 

Bones was sitting at the table, sipping on coffee. He'd been up for maybe ten minutes and Kirk was already coming to bother him--this would probably go _great._

"Bones?" Kirk started cautiously, sitting beside him, scooting his chair closer to him. 

"No, kid, I'm not mad at you." Bones said softly, resting a warm hand on his leg. 

_Cool,_ Kirk thought. _Now let's piss him off, I guess._

"I wanted to ask you something, actually..." he started, chewing it over, trying to decide if he should go through with this or not. In the end, he decided if he didn't ask now, he'd never stop thinking about it. "What did Spock tell you?" 

Bones did not look amused. He pulled his hand away and took an agonizingly slow sip of his coffee. "You'd like to know, huh?" 

"I just need to know," Kirk practically pleaded. He stared down at the table, anywhere but at Bones. "I have to know so I can decide if and how I'm going to end things with him." 

That got Bones' attention. He practically whipped his head back over to him. "Wait, really?" 

Kirk nodded a bit; the worst part about it all was that he was pretty sure he actually meant it. 

Bones softened. "He didn't outright tell me anything. I just accused him of caring for you, and he didn't deny it. I gave him the chance to." he explained patiently. "I know it doesn't seem like much, but trust me, it was practically a confession." 

"I know." he replied softly. "I just need to think for a second." 

"I'm going to go get dressed," Bones said gently, kissing him lovingly before rushing out to give him his space. 

Kirk propped his elbows up on the table, letting his head fall into his hands. He mused the thought for a moment that Bones was wrong--that Spock had just felt too awkward to say anything, that he didn't handle confrontation well, that he didn't understand--but Kirk wasn't an idiot. _Of course_ it was more than that; it had always been more than that. 

He had chosen to play blind to it; he had _chosen_ to be foolish and pretend it could be anything other than what it was. 

But he knew better. And he knew that he couldn't keep feeding into it. 

Whatever it was, it was growing too fast. It left Kirk's head spinning and his lungs empty; in a way that even Bones had never left him feeling before, and he already loved Bones more than he thought was possible. He was scared to get too close to this feeling between he and Spock, he wasn't sure he could handle it. 

And more importantly, he _wouldn't._

It didn't matter if Kirk thought he could handle it, he just simply wouldn't. It didn't matter if he was too scared to get closer, it didn't matter how it made him feel. Because it was over now. Kirk had let it go too far. He was with Bones, it was about time he started acting like it.

He scrubbed at his face, groaning. He'd really gotten himself into a mess this time. 

But he had made up his mind. So when the phone rang minutes later, Spock's name on the ID, he let it ring. 

Kirk ended up putting his phone on silent. 

Obviously, Spock had suspicions something was wrong, because he called another four times. Every time he would hear the ringer start, his heart would just shatter--he couldn't take it anymore. 

He and Bones had spent the morning and early afternoon together, cuddled up on the couch. Bones was watching TV, but Kirk's eyes were stuck on the window; he even opened up the blinds for once just to watch the rain. It had been coming down so hard lately and so frequently, he'd completely forgotten what a blue sky looked like. But he didn't care--he found a cold comfort in the clouds. Dark and endless, and so much hidden behind them that Kirk couldn't begin to comprehend; they reminded him of Spock's eyes. 

"Hey," Bones said, patting his leg and bringing him back to reality. "You've got work soon, right?" 

"Yes sir," Kirk hummed; God, the thought of going to work was dreadful. At least it would keep his mind off things. 

"Let me drive you, then. I'm taking off now and I don't want you riding your death trap around when the streets are like this," Bones said naggingly, getting to his feet. Nagging, sure, but so endearing--it really did always come from a place of love, didn't it? 

It would make him early if he left with Bones now, but he just didn't want to turn him down. 

"Okay," he said with a smile, getting to his feet as well. He grabbed his face. "Do we have some time to spare?" he purred.

"Not much," Bones said with a grin, "but _I guess_ there's enough to kiss you." 

Kirk laughed, "Don't act _too_ excited," he teased lightly, kissing him. 

As usual, Bones really did make the perfect distraction. He just needed to focus on how much he loved him, and maybe he could forget the way he felt about Spock. 

When they left, Kirk thought it best to leave his phone behind. 

***

Spock sat, phone in hand, just staring at it now. 

It couldn't be an accident anymore. Jim didn't want to speak to him. Or Leonard wasn't letting him--and after the confrontation last night, the latter seemed much more likely. It made Spock's blood boil, his hands shake--he had no _idea_ what he was keeping Jim from. True fulfillment and happiness, emotionally stability like he'd never known, and someone who could take care of him and protect him his entire life. 

It wasn't like Spock to get so venomous, but Jim had a way of effecting him in ways far stronger than he was accustomed to. 

Spock was about to dial again, but all the anger and determination drained from him. If Jim was going to speak with him, he'd do it on his own time. Spock had made his desire to talk very clear, it was up to Jim now.

He assured himself it was because of Leonard, but the thought still nagged at him--what if it was _Jim's_ decision? 

Spock's mother walked in, looking surprised to still see him by the phone. "Did you finally get ahold of him?" 

"No." Spock said regretfully, placing it aside. "I suspect Leonard is not letting Jim speak to me. We had an... _altercation_ last night." 

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry," his mother said sincerely. "Just give it some time. I'm sure Leonard will cool down and Jim will call you in no time. Just hang in there." 

Spock just nodded slightly. He'd wait as long as it took. 

Which was a week, apparently. 

One of the most miserable weeks of his entire life. He had felt alone before, just in general--a half breed, he was unlike anyone else. But when he was with Jim, he felt utterly whole, even as a half breed. 

But now, Jim wasn't even speaking to him. Having him and then losing him left Spock feeling utterly hollowed out, like he'd been robbed of all his important parts. 

He and his father had reached an odd place. They hadn't resolved anything, but they'd resumed speaking, even if only a small amount. Yet the tension somehow felt even higher than when they weren't speaking at all. 

It was too much, all of it. _Something_ had to give, and since Jim clearly wasn't going to be the one to offer that relief, Spock decided to confront his father. 

"Father." Spock said the moment he saw him again, firm and adamant. This would happen. He _would_ listen. 

"Spock," his father said, sounding a bit surprised. "What can I help you with?" 

"I want to talk about Starfleet." he said sharply. "And I want you to listen to me." 

His father hesitated, but ultimately just resigned. "Very well, go on." 

"I never suggested violence. I know Starfleet isn't military. But they can be more than a passive government," Spock said confidently--he'd given this speech a thousand different times in his head. He never thought he'd use it, but he was desperate to have some control over _something._ "It has the technology to aide and support. It has the technology to give warnings. It has the diplomacy to attempt to unite planets like it did with Vulcan. It is wasting its potential." his voice softened as it spoke Jim's words: "They have so much power and technology, but are too scared to do anything with it." 

His father studied him for a moment, then nodded. "Of course I agree with you." he said simply. "But there is no change I can make completely by myself." 

Spock's heart dropped. He sighed. "I am aware, I was just--" 

"You could help me."

"Father?" Spock asked hesitantly. 

"You should join." he said, something almost like a smile on his face. "You are young, and you are the bridge between humans and other species. They need to be brought out of their comfort zone, but they need someone familiar to lead them out." 

Spock didn't know what to say. "Jim also said I should join." he said without meaning to, his heart twisting immediately after. 

"The universe will not let you down, Spock." his father said, grasping his shoulder. "This is beyond what you two could ever do, rest assured. No matter what, the universe will bring you together time and time again. It will happen." 

Spock didn't know how to tell him what it meant to him, but he had a feeling he already knew. So he just cleared his throat slightly. "I will apply for Starfleet." 

"I will recommend you." his father said proudly. "I look forward to it," he said, walking off. 

Spock stood there, taking a deep breath. He'd done it. He'd gotten his father to listen, he'd made a difference. He had the opportunity now to make more differences, and he intended to chase after it. He even found comfort from his father, and in the universe. 

But still, he felt like he wasn't finished yet. The space between he and Jim was expanding every passing second, and he feared the obstacle would soon be too great to overcome. 

He didn't have the patience to wait for the universe. 

***

His shift was almost over, and man, the rain was not letting up. 

They had a few days where it didn't rain, it was just overcast. But it started up again the other day and showed no sign of stopping--they may not have gotten snow in the winters, but the rain was definitely relentless when it wanted to be. 

Kirk was just leaning in the garage, absently picking rust off one of the tools--he had already finished with the car he had been working on, and he just didn't feel like trying to see if there were any other jobs he could take on right now. 

"Hey, Jim," one of his coworkers called, looking up from the engine of the car she was currently working on. "Isn't that alien dude just standing in the rain out there your friend?" 

_No way._

Kirk turned to where she was looking--and sure as hell, standing out in the rain, was Spock. 

"Unbelievable," he muttered, rushing outside, "Spock, what the hell are you doing?!" 

"I wanted to see you," Spock said as if it were no big deal, letting Kirk yank him inside. "I thought it would be wiser to try and find you at work than at your home." 

Kirk would be lying if he didn't find it painfully endearing, but the way his heart yearned for every little thing Spock did was exactly why he was trying to distance them in the first place. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't let himself get sucked back in. 

He quickly pulled Spock into the small side office, shutting the door behind them. 

"Are you out of your mind!? I'm at _work,_ Spock. Plus, Bones is going to be here soon to pick me up, he's going to flip out if he sees you--" 

"Is that why you stopped speaking to me?" Spock asked, "because he wanted you to stop? Because he asked that of you?" 

Kirk sighed, his heart breaking--he didn't want to have to tell him this. Why couldn't he have just stayed away? Kirk hopped back, sitting on the small desk that made this tiny office thousands of times more cramped. He didn't care about the papers he was probably completely crumpling right now. "No, Spock." he said softly. "He didn't make me do anything. _I_ think we should stay away from each other." 

"But Jim--" 

"No, I'm serious!" he said firmly, quickly hanging his head. He couldn't look at him or else he'd buckle. "I think you should go."

He expected some quiet resignation, maybe even bitterness or some kind of resentment. Instead, Spock gently placed his hand on Kirk's cheek. Kirk looked up at him, surprised, and Spock just took a step closer. "Do you really want me to go, Jim?" he asked sincerely. 

_I don't._

"Then don't make me," Spock said as if he had read Kirk's mind. And then like he had done it again, he clarified: "It's touch telepathy," he explained. "I can hear your thoughts if I concentrate enough." 

Kirk totally freaked out, pushing Spock's hand away. "Spock, stay out of my head, that's really creepy!" 

Spock looked almost panicked. "I am sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." 

Kirk couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped him; Spock really did twist his heart with the slightest of ease. It was almost unfair. Spock smiled softly, taking another step forward, closing all the distance Kirk had tried so hard to create. 

"But I know you want me to stay," Spock said softly. "I'll stay. So just stay with me." 

Kirk's breath caught, what was he supposed to say? He couldn't even _think_. He suddenly felt so weightless, like gravity simply didn't affect them anymore. It took Kirk's brain a few moments to realize Spock was closer now, that they were leaning into each other. And the pull of it was beyond him entirely; a force he couldn't understand, the kind of force that could pull planets apart. 

He knew if he really wanted to fight it, he could. 

But he wanted to _stay._

Just as they were going to meet, the door swung open. His coworker's eyes went wide. "Oh, sorry. Uh, shit, Jim--Bones is here, what should I tell him?" 

"It's nothing," Kirk said breathlessly. "I'll be out in a second." 

She nodded, quickly leaving and shutting the door behind her. Kirk sighed heavily, relieved his lungs seemed to be working again. He gently pushed Spock away, and Spock was quick to oblige, allowing himself to be pushed away. Finally, all the space Kirk had built was returning. It was pouring back in between them, like that moment had just left a vacuum that was desperate to be filled. 

"This is over, Spock." he said apologetically. 

"Jim, please." Spock begged, but he still respected Kirk's space, even as Kirk stepped off the desk and moved towards the door. Spock didn't take a step closer, but just his voice seemed to have such a strong hold over him. "Let me show you. Please--Tomorrow. I _need_ to show you." 

"What?" Kirk asked warily, fingertips resting on the doorknob. 

"What _this_ is," Spock said. "What we are. I know how to show you. Please, let me."

Kirk sighed, pulling his hand away. "Fine." he said, turning to face him. "I'll wait until Bones goes to work tomorrow, then I'll tell him I picked up a shift and I'll come see you." he risked just one step closer. He had to be careful, lest he get stuck in that pull again. "But after this, we're done okay?" 

Spock looked like he wanted to say something more, but he just nodded curtly. "Yes. If you still wish for this to be over by then, then I will respect that." 

Kirk just nodded, taking a good long look at him. He had missed him. But this was a dangerous place to be, so he just turned and rushed out. "Wait a few minutes before following me out," he said, careful to keep any emotion from his voice. He didn't risk looking back. 

The moment he saw Bones' truck, he pulled a smile. 

He slid in the passenger side. "Hey," he said, like he was simply going through the motions. He could pretend nothing was wrong, no problem. And by the end of tomorrow, he wouldn't have to pretend anymore. 

"How was work?" Bones asked, leaning over and kissing him. It was the complete opposite of Spock--Kissing Bones was warm and sturdy. There was gravity, there was ground under his feet. He hadn't even actually kissed Spock, but with him it was weightlessness and dizzyingly vast and unfamiliar. But it was exhilarating. Bones' kiss just didn't have that pull. 

"It was uneventful." Kirk lied. "Let's get out of here, I'm starving."

"You're always starving," Bones remarked as he pulled out. 

He actually didn't have even a trace of an appetite. He was nervous, his stomach was in knots. What if this thing Spock needed to show him was absolutely life-changing? What if it changed everything and there was no going back? 

Kirk couldn't completely ignore the part of him that hoped that was true. 


	8. Quite the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone's doing well! I had a family member visit, so this update is coming later than intended, but please do enjoy :)

So today was the day he'd be meeting with Spock. 

Whatever it was he needed to show him; whatever case he had left to make--it would be done today. And then after that, it was over. Just Kirk and Bones, how it had always been. How it should've stayed. 

Kirk wished he could've said he and Spock could stay friends, but he knew better than that. That never worked from the beginning. 

It would be all or nothing if he wanted Spock in his life--and he already had an everything. 

Speaking of that everything, he leaned in behind Kirk who was sitting at the table, pretending to read. "Mornin'," he purred. "You're up early today, something on your mind?" 

"Not particularly," Kirk said, shutting the book and turning to him. "Just couldn't sleep. Maybe the rain's coming down a little too hard, who knows?" 

Bones affectionately tussled Kirk's already messy hair. "Sorry darlin'. You're off today though, right?" 

"Yes." Kirk said with a smile--which was technically true. Later, after Bones had already gotten to work, he'd tell him he was picking up a shift so that way Bones couldn't try to give him a ride. He hated to lie to him and god, he hated sneaking around. But he needed this, and this would be the last time. 

"Good, then you can get some rest," Bones said softly, kissing the top of his head. "I'm getting in the shower." 

Kirk sighed longingly as he watched him begin to walk away. He loved him so much, this was so unfair to him. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen today, and then Kirk would make things right. One way or another. "Can I join?" he asked with a grin. 

Bones smirked over his shoulder. "What, do you think I'd say no?" 

Kirk laughed as he hopped up and rushed after him. 

It was mornings like these that made Kirk think maybe he really could go on without Spock.

They showered together, ate together, and were all curled up on the couch together--everything was so warm and safe, it made it so easy to forget entirely about what it felt like to be around Spock. Being around Spock was unfamiliar; and it always felt like there was something at stake. Getting caught in his orbit, getting lost in his eyes...

It was breathtaking and exhilarating when he was there, but when he was here, with Bones' arm wrapped around him, it just seemed too scary. Too many risks. 

Bones leaned over, kissing Kirk's shoulder. "I've gotta go." 

Kirk's heart twisted; he didn't want him to go. He didn't want to face Spock--he wanted to stay here, safe and comfortable. "That really sucks," Kirk said softly, pressing his forehead against Bones'. 

Bones lightly ran his fingers along his jaw, his eyes full of nothing but concern. "You alright, kid? You seem a little off this morning. Do you need me to stay?" 

It was so tempting to say yes. He knew that if he said yes, Bones would drop everything for him. Bones was just like that, he was so caring and doting, and if he thought Kirk needed him, he wouldn't go anywhere. He'd sacrifice his job before he left Kirk alone. 

But Kirk knew he needed to do this. 

"No that's okay, I'm just gonna nap for awhile anyway," Kirk said with a smile. "I think all this rain is getting me sick." 

"You almost never get sick," Bones protested lightly. 

"Yeah, well, that's cause I'm _dating_ a doctor. What a nightmare that would be," he teased. He kissed him. "Get out of here before you're late." 

Bones just hummed, staring back at him. "Alright." he said after a moment. "But if you need me, you know where I'll be." 

"I know," Kirk said softly. He always knew. 

They said their goodbyes, then Bones was off. 

The house suddenly felt so cold, like all the warmth had just followed him right out. Kirk wrapped himself up in a blanket and laid back on the couch. Now it was time to do his least favorite thing ever: wait. 

He waited a good hour after Bones left before he decided the time was right. 

He quickly called Spock, making sure they were still on, then called Bones. Just like he was hoping, he got his voicemail. He left a quick message about feeling better and taking a shift. He told him he loved him, and then he was off. 

It really was pouring rain like crazy. And it was _dark;_ Kirk wouldn't be surprised if they ended up having quite the storm later. 

Though, despite Bones' whining, Kirk had no issues driving in the rain like this. All he had to do was pay attention and maybe just go a little slower than usual. Bones was just biased because he thought motorcycles were absolute death traps. 

He pulled up to Starfleet, sighing as he did so. _The last time,_ he thought. Before, he had been so determined. Now, standing here, it was heartbreaking. 

He barely even made it up three steps when the door opened. This time it was Spock waiting on the other side. "You drove here?" he asked, his eyes slightly wide. "In the weather?" he frowned as Kirk made it to him. "You are drenched." 

"Well what was I gonna do Spock, walk?" Kirk asked with a grin. "I'm pretty sure that would've been much worse." 

"Yes," Spock said regretfully. "I should have come to you." 

Kirk wished he wouldn't, but he couldn't deny the slight twist in his chest. "It's fine. Let's go, c'mon." 

Spock nodded, leading the way. The moment they walked in, Amanda excitedly peaked her head from the kitchen. "Jim!" she exclaimed, then frowned. "Oh you must be freezing, come sit down, I'll make coffee." 

Kirk sort of wanted to deny. He should've been on-edge, right? He should've wanted to get this over with? But it was hard to ignore how at ease he felt with Spock, despite all the uncertainty and whatever else came with him. Kirk supposed he still didn't know how he felt with him. When he was with Bones, at a distance, it seemed simple. And it seemed wrong. But with him, he just never wanted to leave. 

So instead, he did as she asked, and he took a seat. Spock sitting right beside him.

 _It's just common hospitality,_ he thought to himself. _It would be rude for me to refuse. Plus, I'm freezing my ass off, so._

Amanda slid him a cup of coffee and he eagerly held the mug in his hands, soaking up the warmth as much as he possibly could. "Thank you," he said with somewhat dramatic gratitude. 

Sarek joined them; Kirk didn't sense any tenseness between him and Spock, so he supposed they worked it out. Though it was kind of hard to tell, it's not like they were ever very outwardly happy with each other. 

They chatted lightly, and being around even them came so easy to him now. Like after that one dinner he had completely settled right in. 

"So did you tell him?" Sarek asked after he had been silent for awhile. "About Starfleet?" 

Kirk glanced at Spock, never sure what to expect with him. "What happened?" 

Spock absently ran a finger along the surface of the table, almost bashfully avoiding eye contact. "I have submitted my application to Starfleet," he said, glancing over at him. "I think you were right. I should work there." 

The smile that found Kirk's face was utterly genuine, he was absolutely _beaming._ In that moment, he had completely forgot why he was here--why he wouldn't ever be coming back--Hell, he even forgot about Amanda and Sarek. Just then, it was just him and Spock, and Kirk was _so proud._ "Spock!" he exclaimed excitedly. "That's incredible, that's--Oh my gosh, I'm so happy for you. You think you'll get in anytime soon?" 

Sarek spoke, reminding Kirk other people existed around them: "He will. He has a good reference, after all." 

Spock was just staring at Kirk, his eyes full of something that Kirk couldn't quite place, but definitely something he recognized. It was unwavering, though, and it made Kirk quickly finish the last of his coffee. "Well, uh, did we want to--y'know?" 

Spock nodded slightly. "We have some business to attend to." he said to his parents, rising, waiting for Kirk. 

Kirk thanked them for the coffee and hurried to Spock's side. 

He wasn't sure where Spock was going to take him, he'd had almost no expectations going into this, but he had to admit, he was a little surprised when they just walked into Spock's room. "Okay," Kirk said, "what is it?" he didn't want to be cold to him, but he wanted to get this over with--not because he wanted to go as quickly as possible, but because the exact opposite. He never wanted to leave when he was around him, but he knew better. 

"Sit, please." Spock said, sitting on his bed, patting the space next to him. 

Kirk folded his arms. "Sit? Do I really need to sit for this?" 

"Yes." Spock said without a moment of hesitation, so Kirk just walked over and did as told.

"Now," Spock said, sitting criss-cross. "Face me." 

Kirk obeyed, mimicking his position. They sat, facing each other, knees almost touching. "Okay, what is it?" 

"I think the easiest way for you to understand would be to meld with you," Spock explained, not looking at him as he spoke. "It's hard to explain what that is, but it will make you understand what I know." 

"Okay," Kirk said somewhat cautiously. "How do we do that?" 

"You don't have to do anything. Just trust me," he said, reaching out. Kirk didn't move, letting him place his fingers against his face. Kirk didn't have too much time to think about the odd formation before everything around him fell away. 

It finally happened, that edge he was always standing on--he'd fallen. And just as he thought, the fall was far and fast. He was sure he'd simply fall forever, but suddenly, he felt like he was on his feet again. _Don't panic,_ he heard Spock say from somewhere, maybe everywhere. So Kirk relaxed. 

Memories and emotions seemed to rush past him; they weren't his, and he couldn't quite grab onto anything. One of them came to him though, an absolute tidal wave of emotion, crashing into him all at once. 

Love and fate, as endless as space. It was out of their hands, it was written in the stars, it wasn't up to him. 

Not a word was said or translated or anything of the sort, but Kirk somehow understood it all as if Spock had just sat him down and spoke the whole thing out to him: they were quite literally meant to be. Spock loved him. He loved Spock. 

It was surprising, mainly that fate had anything to do with it, but he wasn't _that_ surprised. 

Of course, somewhere inside him, he knew. He loved him. He had from the very start. 

From the very moment blue skies met storm clouds through the sea of people; despite the circumstances, despite Bones being at his side. Because none of that mattered, it had nothing to do with it. What they shared was completely different. Completely separate. Completely theirs. 

_Do you understand now?_

Of course he understood, he had always. Even when he didn't know it. 

Coming back out of the meld was much worse than going into it; he was winded and teary-eyed, and he felt so empty, so _hollow._ He had never felt so complete in his life, but now that the connection was gone, Kirk suddenly found even breathing by himself to be difficult. 

Spock looked completely unaffected, watching Kirk. He looked anxious. Kirk had always had a knack for figuring out what he was thinking, despite how much he kept to himself, but now he was entirely sure. 

"Was that too much?" Spock asked after a few moments. 

"No," Kirk breathed, though his voice betrayed him. He was so emotional, he couldn't seem to stabilize himself. He had a feeling it wasn't just his emotions he was being affected by. He was both entirely eager and entirely dreading to have it wear off--he had never felt _so much_. 

His mind also felt completely expanded--it quite literally had been. Stretched to capacities Kirk had never experienced before; he shared consciousness with someone else, it was a bit much to take in. Something like clarity began to try and worm its way into his head. _We were meant to be together._ Of all the things that revelation could've done, it gave him a headache. 

It hurt trying to understand that they were meant to love each other so much that the universe, _fate,_ took notice of it. That it ushered them together. He ran a shaking hand through his hair, blinking away the welling in his eyes. It all made so much sense though--the way he felt for Spock had always been so immeasurable. So new and scary--good scary. A risk. 

A _chance._

He needed to take it. _All_ he had to do was take that chance. 

_Bones._

His heart sank, landing hard in his stomach, practically gutting him. _Bones._ His name echoed through his mind and it made his heart break. 

He wouldn't. He wouldn't take that chance. He couldn't. 

"This is over now, Spock," Kirk said, rushed and still breathless, ungracefully getting to his feet. He wasn't even close to having a hold on himself. Maybe he should've waited before making any decisions, especially _this_ one, but he couldn't stay. He couldn't, he couldn't do that to Bones. 

"What?" Spock asked, not even trying to hide the absolute shock in his voice. "But Jim, I know you feel the same about me. I know for sure now, so now we can--" 

"It doesn't matter--" 

"It matters," Spock said adamantly. "You love me."

"And that's exactly why this has to stop!" Kirk shouted, surprising both of them. Tears were stinging his eyes again, his heart was _wrenching._ "I'm already with Bones. I love him too. And I'm already with him, I already made that promise--" his voice fell. "I already took the chance," he said quietly. He looked up at him, his heart breaking, all the pieces falling and cutting him up from the inside. "Don't you understand?" 

Spock's jaw went wired shut for a moment. "... I do." he said after a pause. "Only because I was in your head. You are loyal and you love so hard," he said, a certain longing in his voice that made Kirk just want to fall apart. "But Jim, you will never be fulfilled in your relationship with him. You are meant to be with me, you will never feel whole with anybody else." 

Kirk's eyes cast aside, his vision getting blurry from the tears collecting there. "I can live with that." 

"Jim," Spock pleaded, reaching out for him. "Please--"

Kirk moved away from him, tears falling down his face. "I have to go." he said quickly, turning and rushing out. 

He was nowhere near level-headed; he was emotional and lost. His insides hurt, his head hurt. He was dizzy and breathless just from the sheer force of this heartbreak. In his recklessness, he bumped into Amanda and Sarek on the way out. He didn't stop, though. He thought he heard Amanda call out to him, but it was lost to the sound of the blood rushing through him--vicious and unrelenting, like his own body was mad at him for walking away. 

He stumbled down the steps, almost falling, the sleekness from the rain not helping his disorientedness any. He practically crashed into his bike, but she didn't fall, and he held onto her so he wouldn't either.

Quickly, he scrambled on. He tried to kick-start the engine at least five times before he managed to focus enough to actually get it to come to life. At some point during that ordeal, he had started sobbing. He didn't even noticed over the rain on his face, the sound of the engine. 

But he just wanted to get away from there. He couldn't take it anymore, he was an absolute mess. Turns out denying fate sort of screws you up, who knew? 

He peeled out onto the road. He wanted to speed all the way home, but even in this state he knew he'd never make it like that. His phone started ringing and Kirk didn't have to look to know who it was. 

He bit into his lip hard to try and get ahold of himself, he had never been the type to just lose himself like this. Each ring was agony, an eternity in every single one. And once it stopped ringing, it started again seconds later. It was driving him crazy; the tears and rain in his eyes were only adding to his heightening hysteria. Kirk screwed his eyes shut, wishing he could just block it out. All of it. He even considered grabbing his phone and just throwing it, but his hands had an iron grip around the handles--they weren't going to budge. 

He had only closed his eyes for a second or two, just enough to try and snap himself back to reality. But in that short time, brightness came rushing at him from his right side, forcing his eyes open. 

By the time he realized they were headlights there wasn't much he could do. 


	9. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! It's just a little update today, but I felt like this one kinda needed its own chapter, based on how the next few are going to be. It's angsty, but rest assured, this will have a happy, Spirky ending. So please enjoy! :)

Spock sat there on his bed, his fists pressing into his thighs. 

He had never struggled to keep his emotions in check like this before--this was _worse_ than the day his planet was destroyed. Which he couldn't understand. Perhaps that day was full of shock and he was numbed to it, _but this._

It hurt, it ached, it was physical pain that was tormenting him now. His heart couldn't handle it, it passed it off to every part of him. _Breathe,_ he reminded, but he found he couldn't remember how. 

He hung his head, digging his nails into his thighs. _Just breathe._

But how was he supposed to do that when Jim didn't choose him? How was he supposed to do anything? He had never felt the way he did with Jim, he couldn't bare the thought of losing him. He wasn't _supposed_ to, he was his bond mate--it was supposed to be guaranteed, it was-- 

His mother gently peeked her head in the open door. "What happened?" she asked gravely. 

Spock tried again to breathe but just found his breaths getting more erratic. His eyes were stinging--he was going to _cry._

His father leaned in the doorway as his mother walked in and sat beside him, placing her hand on his. "Talk to us, sweetheart." 

"He rejected me," Spock choked, another wave of emotion he couldn't control barreling into him. "He chose Leonard, even though we melded and I _felt_ that he loved me--" he snapped his mouth shut before his voice could waver anymore than it already had. 

His mother had never looked so heartbroken in her entire life. She squeezed Spock's hand, looking to his father in something like horror. "Has this ever happened?"

"No," his father said regretfully, sitting on Spock's other side. Much to Spock's surprise, his father took his other hand. "Some have never found their bond mates, but none have ever been rejected by them once they did." he spoke with actual softness in his voice, actual pain. He was grieving with him. "I am so sorry, son."

Spock screwed his eyes shut and just let them sit with him while he fought back tears with everything he had.

They stayed with him even when they started falling and Spock's shoulders shook. And their presence helped, but even with them there, he felt so _alone._

No one knew what he was going through. The only person who had ever made Spock feel complete just turned him away. The only person who had ever made him feel emotions so strongly, made him _want_ to feel emotions so strongly, just broke his heart. 

He wished he would come back. He wanted him back. 

But he couldn't have him. 

So he was more alone than he'd ever been, even with his parents at his side. 

***

The car had _barely_ hit him. 

It had already been coming to a screeching stop when it saw him, not able to do it as quickly as it wanted to in the rain. Technically, Kirk had had the right-of-way, but it was understandable--it was dark, it's not like Kirk's motorcycle gave off that much light. And Kirk hadn't been looking, otherwise he would've noticed. 

It was enough force to _hurt_ and send him and his bike skidding across the street. He wasn't sure if it was the shock or if he hit his head, but he definitely blacked out for half a second. 

He came to with sound of the lady in the car absolutely _screaming._

She was fumbling for her phone, frantically dialing 911.

"It's okay," he choked, trying to push himself up. "You don't need to--" the moment he tried to put any weight on his right leg, pain shot through him and he crumpled back down. It wasn't broken, but it was bloodied. Kirk couldn't really get a good look at it, but it was nothing too bad, _just_ bad enough he couldn't stand on it. 

Kirk felt awful as he and this absolutely hysterical woman waited for the ambulance. 

His head hurt, and now he wasn't sure if it was from the sobbing or the hit. His leg hurt, but the ache in his bones--the _physical pain_ of leaving Spock--was so much worse. And now his bike was broken, too. Not totaled, thank God, but she'd need work. 

When the ambulance came, they wasted no time in helping Kirk up and onto the stretcher--which Kirk thought was kind of overkill, but he supposed it was easier considering he couldn't stand. And it was their job.

The inside of the ambulance was warm and dry, at least. 

The paramedic asked him various questions about how he felt, what happened, etc. And Kirk answered them all--the paramedic seemed relieved that Kirk wasn't hurt too badly. But then a thought occurred to him. 

"Hey, we're not going to the nearest hospital, are we? The one just a few blocks from here?" 

The paramedic looked him over, obvious confusion on his face, like he might find some serious head wound he had missed or something. "Of course we are." 

"Oh no," Kirk groaned. "And there's absolutely no way you can take me to a different hospital, huh?" 

"I'm afraid not, sir." the paramedic paused, frowning. "Why?" 

Kirk just sighed, shutting his eyes. "I just know the doctor there, is all." 

Kirk really hoped against hope that he would get a different doctor. 

_Please, just let him be busy,_ he begged to whoever would listen as they wheeled him into the hospital. But of course, the moment he entered one of the rooms, it was Bones standing there, prepping as the nurses helped Kirk onto the hospital bed. 

"Alright, let's see what we got here--" his eyes widened as he turned, seeing just who his patient was. 

For a moment, there was complete silence, a _tension._ Then it all came down, hard.

"What the fuck!?" Bones exclaimed, rushing over to him, looking over him frantically. "What the _hell_ happened to you!? Your _leg!_ " he exclaimed as he finally found the wound, touching it gingerly, making Kirk wince.

A look of realization came over Bones' face and Kirk knew he would never hear the end of this one: "You got in a motorcycle accident, didn't you?" 

"It wasn't that big of a deal--" 

"Wasn't that big of a deal!? You could've been _killed!_ I told you those things are death traps! Especially in the rain!"

"Hey, a car hit _me,_ " Kirk defended. "And I had the right-of-way, it was not my fault."

"Regardless!" Bones ran out of things to yell about, so then his shoulders just slumped, his eyes softening. "Kid, are you alright?" 

Kirk's chest hurt. This was why he left Spock, this love in Bones' voice, his eyes. But it felt bittersweet now. He knew he wanted Spock more than this, than this beautiful moment, and it hurt. 

"I'm okay," Kirk said, his voice betraying him, suddenly feeling another wave of emotion coming on. He looked away. "It just hurts," he whispered; and of course he wasn't talking about his leg. 

Bones must've known it too, because he lightly brushed some of Kirk's hair out of his face. "Let me help." 

His leg needed a few stitches, no more than three or four. 

His leg had just taken the brunt of the hit, right along the side of his knee. It was bruising bad and had that gash, but other than that, he was completely fine. He did hit his head, but Bones didn't think he had a concussion. Which was good, because he was so tired, he managed to fall asleep during the stitches. 

Bones did wake him up just to be safe, though. He shooed his nurses away and pulled up a chair beside Kirk. 

"What happened?" he asked, lightly running his fingers Kirk's hair--which Kirk imagined was probably a _nightmare_ at the moment. 

Kirk shifted uncomfortably. "I lied to you," he said softly, not able to look at him. "I wasn't picking up a shift. I was going to see Spock. And I saw him the other night, too. He came by work. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, and he said he needed to show me something today before I decided that."

So far, Bones didn't seem mad. He was still gently petting at Kirk's hair, so Kirk kept going. 

"He did this crazy thing where he joined our consciousnesses together--it was a lot. But basically, I'm his bond mate or whatever. It's like soulmates, except Vulcans know." he shook his head. "I told him it didn't matter, though. Because of you," he said, risking looking over at him. 

The softness and admiration on Bones' face surprised him, but he was so grateful for it. Bones leaned over and kissed his forehead softly. 

Kirk frowned. "Bones, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have lied to you--" 

"It's okay," Bones assured, a small smile on his face. "I know you were still tryin' to do the right thing... Also, Spock is on his way." 

Kirk almost missed that last part. 

_"What!?"_

"You were calling out to him in your sleep. And I don't know, it feels right that he should at least know what happened. And that you're okay." Bones said, and he didn't seem mad that Kirk had called out to him. At least he hoped he wasn't. 

"Bones, I'm--" 

"Jesus darlin', it's alright," he laughed. "Just relax for a few minutes." 

Kirk laughed softly and tried to do just that. 

The moment he thought he might've found something like peace, Spock came absolutely slamming through the door. Kirk had never seen more outward emotion on Spock's face--he was completely panicked. 

He took one look at Kirk and looked like he'd just fall apart. "Jim..." he muttered, so softly, so heartbroken.

"I'll give you guys a minute," Bones said, stepping out.

The moment the door shut, Spock rushed over to his side, not daring to touch him. He looked like he was worried he might break him if he tried. "Oh T'hy'la..." 

Kirk didn't recognize the word, but he spoke it with such love, it made Kirk feel completely better all at once. He missed him so much in that short time, and after everything that happened. Maybe Kirk shouldn't have been happy, but he just didn't want Spock to be anywhere else. 

"It's not bad, just a cut," Kirk said with a laugh. "It's alright." 

Spock looked away, looking so dejected. "I am sorry I came. I know you said you did not want to see me anymore, but when I heard you'd been hurt, I knew I had to see you. Just to make sure you were okay." 

"It's okay, I'm glad to see you," Kirk said, without really meaning to. He quickly wiped the smile from his face. He couldn't get dragged back into this again. "We just keep ending up back here, don't we? That's some kind of luck, isn't it?" 

Spock nodded slightly. "I believe it is more than luck or coincidences." he said, looking at Kirk--their eyes caught, completely snared. "It is fate working in our favor." 

Kirk was shocked he could do it, but he looked away. Somehow, he managed to free himself from the gaze. "Spock--" 

"Or rather, against our favor." Spock said after a moment. 

Kirk looked back at him, admittedly shocked--he kind of felt like he'd just gotten punched in the gut. Not that he had any right to feel that way after rejecting him, but he supposed he hadn't expected a comment like that. 

Spock didn't look at him for a moment, his eyes glued to Kirk's hurt leg. When he glanced at Kirk's face again, he seemed almost surprised. "I did not mean for that comment to hurt you," he practically fumbled. "I just meant..." he glanced aside, collecting his thoughts. "It seems to me that whenever we meet, it only causes you pain." 

Kirk wanted to say something, but Spock didn't give him the chance: "Please do not disagree with me. Fights with Leonard, emotional turmoil, and now this. I believe I am doing nothing more than hurting you, and that is the last thing I _ever_ wanted to do." he said, looking right at him again. "Jim, believe me. I never wished for this to cause you any harm. I am sorry I didn't stay away sooner. I was blinded by my own feelings, I never considered yours." 

"No, Spock," Kirk said quickly, suddenly pleading. _Let him go,_ his brain reminded him, but he was so scared. 

"You were so conflicted after we melded. I had never seen you so upset. My intention was to bring a sense of comfort or direction. Instead, you were so overwhelmed you ended up impairing yourself and getting hurt." he sounded so _miserable,_ and Kirk couldn't decide if it was guilt or because he was saying goodbye. Maybe both. 

Kirk hated that Spock thought all he brought him was pain--he wanted to tell him how he made him feel. And how small all the bad things felt when he was with him. 

But Spock wasn't done yet: "I see now that you were thinking much more logically than I in this scenario. You are simply being loyal, as you should be. I was the one holding on too hard. I am going to let you go now." 

Kirk could already feel the tears threatening his eyes again; _why_ was he on the verge of tears? He'd already said goodbye, so why did it hurt so much more? 

Maybe hearing it from Spock made it unbearable. Is this what Kirk had put him through? He must've resented him by now. "I'm sorry," was all Kirk practically whimpered out. 

"I am too." Spock said, sounding strained, like there was more he wanted to say. 

_Say it,_ Kirk thought. _Say anything, I'll listen, I'll--_

"I should go." 

_No._

"Okay." Kirk choked. 

Spock just nodded, quietly getting up and walking away. Each step pushed the knife deeper in Kirk's chest. Spock paused in the doorway, only briefly. "There are many things I could say to you, but I think it will be easier if I just say goodbye." 

Kirk looked away, knitting his eyebrows together in some desperate attempt to hold himself together. "Goodbye." 

The instant he heard the door click shut, he dropped his face into his hands and cried. 

At some point, Bones came back. He didn't press, he just sat beside him and held him. And Kirk didn't even try to reign it in. Bones knew Kirk had chosen him, and he knew what he had sacrificed to do so. Kirk wouldn't pretend he wasn't utterly devastated. 

He couldn't breathe, he was sure he'd die.

He supposed it was appropriate he was in the hospital. 


	10. Written in the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, next update! Another sorta short one, but the next one will be quite long. And then the next update after that will be the last! Ah, we're so close! 
> 
> Please, enjoy :)

Spock had hoped maybe this feeling would lessen in time. 

But fifteen days had passed, and he hadn't been so lucky. The feeling still sat in his heart, sharp and stinging. Every time he shifted, it stabbed a little deeper, hurt just a little more. 

And he was indeed moving around quite a bit these days, despite what his heart could handle. 

He had managed to move through the application process fairly quickly. Starfleet quickly realized Spock's potential and he found himself quickly in a place of some rank. They always asked for his presence, he sat in meetings, they _would_ have listened to him if he contributed. 

But he didn't. 

He didn't do anything. He didn't speak for change and exploration and peace; the whole reason he had initially joined. He just went through the motions of what he had to do, he just distracted himself. His heart wasn't in it. He was stagnant. 

His father was clearly saddened about this, but Spock never felt like he was disappointed--Spock just _knew_ his father understood, to some degree. Spock was going through a pain even he couldn't understand, after all. 

And of course, Spock constantly thought about Kirk. 

His smile, his laugh, his grin, his light, his _eyes._ His tears, his rosy cheeks, his emotion. 

He missed him, more than anything. He always thought about calling him or going to see him. But then the thought of how Jim looked after they melded would return to him, or he would think about the horror of seeing him in the hospital--bandaged, his hair windswept and damp, his eyes burning red from the misery he'd been going through. 

He took a moment to _truly_ consider his pain. 

All Spock could think about was the emotional turmoil--the confusion, the fights with Leonard, how conflicted he must've constantly been. Spock let himself truly feel it, and it made his heart break. He was riddled with guilt. There was no way to pretend that it wasn't all his fault.

And his guilt only increased as he thought about the fact that he would take Kirk back in a second. 

In any way, even as friends. Even if they had to continue at the pace they had been going--anything, just to see him again. He would take him back even if they returned to just how things had been. 

But he wouldn't. They had said their goodbyes. He'd let him go. 

It was over. 

***

Kirk was doing no better. 

When he wasn't working or sleeping, all he did was curl up on the couch and stay there. He wouldn't even eat on his own; Bones practically had to force-feed him. Bones was always at his side, trying to get him to take care of himself, and just never leaving him alone in general. He was doing everything he could, but it was like he was carrying dead weight. 

The only thing Kirk really put any energy into was his bike. After the accident, thankfully, it had gotten taken to his work instead of any other shop. Kirk didn't have to pay to get it back or pay for labor, all he had to do was pay for replacement parts and do the work himself. Things were slower around work so in his downtime, that's what he did. He just worked on his bike, day in and day out. 

His leg was also fine, he left the hospital the night of the accident. It was completely healed by now. 

But Kirk was hurting, real bad. 

Fifteen days without seeing Spock, or even hearing from him. It was really over. This is what he had wanted, so why couldn't he seem to get himself out of this barely alive state? He could barely function. 

When he walked into work that evening, he quickly checked in with his boss--he was really hoping he'd get to work on his bike today, he was almost done. 

"I want you to help finish up the last bit of that truck that came in, but unless something else comes in, you're free to work on your bike." she said. 

"Great, thanks." 

"Jim," she said hesitantly. "Are you doing alright? You look like you've lost weight." 

"I'm fine," Kirk assured with a smile; he had never had to put so much effort into just smiling before. 

She didn't look convinced, but she just nodded and let him go. 

He spent a few hours doing what she'd asked of him. And thankfully, no one else showed up, so he focused all his attention to his bike. 

It was easy to work. He knew what he was doing here, there was no confusion or things he didn't understand. He could just let himself--all of himself--go completely out of focus as he did what he needed to do; nothing more than autopilot, but just distracting enough. 

Plus, maybe he'd feel a bit better when his bike was finished. 

He didn't feel any better. 

He felt only the slightest twinge of accomplishment seeing her finished and good as new, but he wasn't ecstatic or over-joyed as he thought he'd be. But at least he felt something, that was a start. 

His shift was coming to an end, so he clocked out as soon as possible and headed out. 

Bones was at work, so Kirk would usually walk home. But since it hadn't rained in a few days, just a bit overcast, he decided he'd ride his bike home. Not that he was worried about driving home in the rain now, he just knew Bones' head would _explode._ Kirk would never hear the end of that accident, that was for sure. 

He threw his leg over and settled in, and an odd feeling of relief came over him. 

So familiar; he'd been here so many times. He loved riding his bike; he loved feeling the wind against him, feeling the power in the engine under him. He loved how much control he had and all the flexibility it offered. 

He eagerly headed home, letting himself enjoy it for as long as his heart would allow him. 

By the time he made it home, he wasn't feeling as good. All he could think about now was the last time he rode it--he had been absolutely hysterical. He had simply been feeling _too_ much, so he ran away. He had to. That's what he kept telling himself: he had to. 

When Bones came home, they had dinner--Kirk ate a bit of it, mainly to please Bones. He still didn't have an appetite. 

Then they curled up on the couch together. Bones pulled Kirk in against him and rested his head on top of Kirk's as they watched TV. Kirk shut his eyes, trying to focus on his warmth. Kirk did find some comfort in Bones' company, but it was all it had ever been: a distraction. 

Bones sighed against the top of Kirk's head. "I feel like you're slipping away from me, kid." 

Kirk frowned, but he wouldn't lie to him. "I think I am." 

Bones didn't say anything else, just left a small kiss against him. Kirk wished he wouldn't be so understanding--he wished he would yell at him or be hurt, but he was so patient. So loving. It didn't endear Kirk anymore, it just left him feeling just as indifferent as he always did. At least if Bones was mad, maybe Kirk would feel something too. 

But he wasn't so lucky. Bones was just too good to him. 

So they just sat against each other, not speaking. 

They stayed out there all night. 

It was early, maybe three in the morning, before Bones finally realized this was going to be another sleepless night for Kirk. Bones had stayed up with him for a few of them, but he was a busy man, and his work required that he be well-rested. So he just had to kiss Kirk goodnight and head to bed. 

Kirk was relieved. He wanted to be alone. Alone and _drunk,_ that is. 

So he got up, grabbed a beer and a jacket, then quietly headed outside. He walked to the end of the porch, gazing up at the clouds overhead for a moment, then sat down. The porch was freezing, but he just didn't care enough to even bother thinking about moving. There wasn't much of a view of the night sky, but the chilly air was refreshing enough. He took a generous sip, looking around aimlessly. Eyes floating from one place to the other; just as he himself did everyday, it seemed. No solidity, no anchor. 

And sitting there, alone on the porch steps and a beer in hand, not even having stars to look up at, he wondered. He wondered if this is what he wanted. 

He knew what he _had_ wanted; he had wanted to stay committed to Bones, wanted to keep him happy. Bones had always been there for him, he wanted to always be there for him too. 

_"I feel like you're slipping away from me, kid."_

But Bones wasn't even happy now, was he? He was _working._ Even at home. Working to keep Kirk functioning, working to have this relationship be something more than a doctor and his patient. 

Kirk sighed heavily, throwing his head back to stare up at the thick clouds overhead. Not even a hint of starlight or moonlight hiding behind them. _Written in the stars, huh? A lot of good that does, I can't even read 'em._

God, he missed the stars. 

He missed a lot of things these days. He missed the days when he and Bones were enough. He missed when he didn't stay up all night _longing._ He missed the rush in his chest when he was around Spock. He just missed Spock. 

Kirk groaned, taking another sip. 

"Alright universe," he said aloud, narrowing his eyes at the sky. "I'll tell you what: give me a sign--one I _can't_ ignore, _right_ this second--and I'll be with him. Just like you wanted." 

A breeze rushed past him the moment his (mostly joking) words left him; cold and stinging. He bundled up and almost went inside, but he noticed the light spilling over him. He looked back up at the sky, his heart stopping. The wind had carried the clouds, revealing the moon underneath--full and absolutely dripping silver over the darkness. Stars were scattered around, dusted over every inch of the sky. 

Kirk just stood there, staring up, mouth gaping. He could feel the light of it all on his skin; he was utterly bathed in it. It was all so clear. He could read their names in stars, he bet, if he just looked close enough. 

Kirk took a deep breath, not realizing he had been holding one in. 

His eyes dropped to the bottle in his hand, he no longer had any desire to drink it. He just tossed it in the grass. "Okay," he said, to whatever it was that was listening to him; whatever it was that was bringing back the night sky. 

He knew what he needed to do now. 

In the meantime though, he would just sit back down and stare at the sky until the clouds slowly rolled back over it, covering it up as if it had never happened at all. 


	11. Because They Knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys, here we are! The next update will just be a little, fluffy chapter to just neatly wrap everything up, which more or less means this is the last REAL chapter. It's been fun, and I appreciate every hit, kudo, comment, and bookmark. They mean the world to me, thank you :,) I'll probably do this exact same speech when I update tomorrow, haha! 
> 
> Please enjoy!

One of Starfleet's meetings had just gotten out, and Spock was now officially off the clock. 

He fully intended to simply go home, take some time to think--or rather, grieve--then perhaps he'd spend a little time with his mother if he was feeling up for it. He would prefer to be alone, but she had been trying so hard to be there for him--

"Spock." 

Spock turned, surprised to see his father walking over to him. "Father." Spock regarded. "Did you need something?" 

"Yes, just to tell you something." he said, walking with Spock. "I have called and arranged a meeting for you next week with Starfleet officials. I have informed them you will be speaking, as you have some important things to say." 

Spock stopped in his tracks, shaking his head. "Father, I cannot understand why you would do that. I did not ask that of you, and I assure you, I do not wish to speak about such things at this point in time." he did his best to keep his composure. "I have nothing to say." 

"My son, you have so much to say." His father said, something almost soft in his voice. "You simply need to find your voice again." 

Spock let out a small sigh. "I will try, father." 

"Thank you." 

And Spock really did try. 

Rather than his original plan of just taking some time to think about life and allow himself to hurt and attempt to come to terms with things--he thought about the speech. 

He wasn't having much luck. 

He searched his mind intently, viciously digging among it to think of what to say. He couldn't remember how he had once been so adamant and passionate about issues regarding Starfleet--every time he thought about trying to change Starfleet for the better _now_ , he felt indifferent. And any word he tried to write on the mostly empty paper in front of him was weak and forced. 

But Spock wanted to do this. For his parents. 

But when he _really_ tried, all he could think about was Jim agreeing with him; looking at Spock like he was saying something truly worth saying. Or the way he'd looked when Spock told him he'd been accepted into Starfleet. He had looked at Spock like it was just them two in the whole universe. He had looked at Spock like maybe he had loved him. 

Those things felt like relics now. Precious and untouchable. 

Those feelings, those memories, those motivations--they all left with Jim. And maybe that was okay. At least they couldn't be tampered with; they'd forever be held in those still moments. On the bench on that day; Jim's windswept hair and rosy cheeks, his eyes shimmering. That's where they belonged. With Jim; even if Jim wasn't at his side. 

Upon this revelation, Spock crumpled up and threw away the paper.

*** 

Kirk actually slept. 

After his little talk with the universe, he realized he'd need some sleep. There were a lot of things he needed to do. A lot of changes. He was scared out of his mind; he was scared Spock resented him now, he was scared he'd end everything with Bones for nothing, he was scared of taking the leap. But he knew he had to, no matter what. Even if Spock didn't want him anymore, things needed to change.

He needed to trust the universe. The stars. Like he should've done from the start. 

So he slept. And he slept better than he had in a long time. 

It wasn't too difficult getting up and getting dressed either, he was feeling _good_ for the first time in a long time. 

It wasn't until breakfast that the anxiety hit. Sitting there at the table with Bones, like everything was so normal. He was anxious about how he was going to handle this. 

Thankfully, breakfast itself was actually almost relaxing. Watching Bones absently read, the early sunlight streaming in on him--and this moment. This familiar, warm moment. It made Kirk's heart stir. He loved Bones, that never changed. He would always love Bones. But it was different now. 

It wasn't until they were putting dishes away that the peace was disturbed. 

"It's raining a little bit again today." Bones said. 

Kirk glanced out the window--how appropriate. "Yeah." he said, hating how tense he sounded already. "Just a little bit." 

Bones looked over at him; Kirk had expected him to call him out on how weird he had been acting, but instead he just smiled at him. "You look better today, kid. You slept and you ate. I'm glad to see it." 

_Ah, well, that just makes this a thousand times harder._

Kirk quietly put away the last few dishes, then took a deep breath, placing his hands on the counter. He just stared down at the space between his hands, like maybe he'd find a script there. "About that, Bones..." he glanced at him hesitantly, apologetically. "We need to talk." 

Bones sensed the gravity of the situation and his smile fell; he gave Kirk his full attention. "What is it?" he asked, the tone in his voice unreadable. 

"Bones, I..." he had no idea what he was going to say. There were so many things he could say, so many explanations. But Bones knew them already, didn't he? He frowned. "Bones, I have to go." 

"I had a feeling this might happen," Bones said quietly. "I love you, and I want you to be happy. But you shouldn't go." 

Kirk wasn't sure what he was expecting, but for some reason, that surprised him. 

"What, why?" Kirk asked, shaking his head a bit. "I can barely function without him." 

"Yes, exactly!" Bones exclaimed. "You're like _this_ just from getting turned away from when you weren't even with him--Hell, after _you_ had already turned him away! What happens when you go bare your soul to him and beg him to take you back and he says no?!" 

Kirk glanced aside, chewing his tongue slightly. "Well..." he said thoughtfully. "I'll just trust that the universe has some other grand plan to get him back." 

"Kid, do you even hear yourself?" Bones asked, exasperated. "Say the 'universe' helps ya out--say you do get together. What happens if he leaves you then? You wouldn't be able to go on." 

Something twisted in Kirk's stomach. "So you think he'd leave me? He's literally my _soul mate._ " 

"And a _V_ _ulcan!"_ Bones softened for a moment, reaching out and resting a comforting hand on Kirk's shoulder. "Darlin', you're reckless and messy. You do shit without thinking about it. It's all gut feelings with you. Vulcans hate that--all those things they consider human faults are all the things I _love_ about you. They're all the things that I think are perfect. I love you." 

Kirk's heart absolutely broke. "Bones," he said sadly. "I love you, too. _So_ much." He meant it, of course he meant it. "But I can't live without him." And he meant that too. 

"Jim, this is why I was so adamant to keep him away." he softened considerably, resting his hand on Kirk's cheek. "Because I knew. And I can see you still love me. I just never wanted you to have to make this choice." 

Kirk sighed, leaning into his touch--so warm and familiar. Always familiar. He had never wanted to lose this, he had tried so damn hard to pretend he would never have to. He placed his hand over Bones', gripping it tightly. "I don't think there was a thing either of us could've done that would've prevented this," he whispered. "I'm so sorry." 

With that, he gently pulled away from him, grabbing his jacket and keys and rushing out the door. He could feel Bones right on his heels. 

Kirk stepped out into the rain--it was refreshing. The smell, the briskness in the air. It recharged him, it made his lungs feel clean. He knew where he was going. Thankfully, Bones didn't follow him once he stepped off the porch steps.

"Wait!" 

Kirk paused and turned to him, but he didn't get any closer. Bones looked over Kirk with the most heartbroken look. Kirk had caused this heartbreak, and that was something he simply had to learn to live with. 

"I love you, kid." 

Emotion crashed through him and it was almost frantic as he raced back up those steps, kissing Bones hard. One last time. He put everything he had into it. And God, he could only hope it successfully conveyed how much he loved him and how much he loved the _time_ they'd shared. And how he hoped that, somewhere, they got forever together. Because Bones deserved it, and Kirk would've been happy forever at his side. 

He loved him so much it hurt. 

When he pulled away, he wasn't ashamed to admit he was crying softly. They just stared at each for a moment; Bones lightly wiping away Kirk's tears--Kirk could see the tears welling in Bones' eyes, yet he still tended to Kirk. How typical of him. 

The moment was delicate, such a fragile goodbye. 

Bones didn't stop him when he turned away that time, rushing to his Bike.

"I'll be waiting right here for you." Bones called. 

Kirk wasn't sure his heart could shatter more than it already had, but he was pretty sure it just did. He shook his head, feeling tears and rain on his face as he looked back at Bones. "And what if I don't come back?" 

"Whether it's with him or not, you'll come back." Bones said, somewhere between fondness and misery--but soft all the same. "I'll always be here for you. Even if you come back with him and leave again. If ever you were to need me, I'll be here." 

Kirk had no words--his throat was too busy trying to hold back the sob that threatened him. He didn't even try to say anything. Instead, he kicked the engine to life and drove off. 

He hadn't even bothered to put on his helmet. And considering the rain and past experiences, that was probably beyond stupid, but he didn't really care this time. He knew he'd make it there. He knew exactly where he was headed. For once in his life, he had an unshakable sense of direction and was utterly positive he'd make it there. 

And he did. 

The moment he reached Starfleet, he practically threw his bike to the ground just to get off it. He went running up the steps, two at a time, almost slipping on his way up but too eager to slow down. He came crashing through the doors, startling some attendant on the other side. "Can I help you?" 

"I need to see Spock," Kirk said breathlessly. He could only imagine what he looked like--he hadn't worn a helmet, so he could feel his hear was hopelessly disheveled and damp, he could feel the bite of redness on his cheeks from the cold air--this poor guy must've been scared out of his mind. 

"I'm sorry, he's not expecting anyone," the attendant said nervously. 

"I know, but I _need_ to see him." Kirk said adamantly. He wouldn't come all this way without seeing Spock, he just wouldn't accept that. 

The attendant looked hesitant, like he might refuse, but motion caught both their eyes. 

Amanda had just walked in the door. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Kirk--and for a moment, everything just seemed to freeze. He looked at her pleadingly. She was sort of his last hope in this situation--the alternative was sitting outside in the rain until Spock eventually came outside again. 

But all she did was smile, because she knew. 

"He's a friend of ours, he can come and go as she pleases. Spread that around," she said to the attendant, then began leading Kirk along, wasting no time in bringing him inside and to Spock's room. She knocked. "Spock honey, you have a visitor." 

"One moment," he called back--his _voice._

"Thank you," Kirk said with a relieved sigh, hugging her. 

She hugged him back, not saying a word, just smiling at him before rushing off. 

Kirk fussed with himself, trying to reign in some of the chaos. He only managed to _maybe_ make his hair look less chaotic before the door opened. The moment Spock saw Kirk there, his face dropped, and Kirk's heart dropped with it. 

"Jim?!" he asked, obvious shock on his face. Well, obvious to Kirk anyway. "What are you doing here?!" 

Kirk could not believe how hard his heart was racing, he could feel it pulsing against his tongue; could hear it hammering away in his ears. But it was now or never, he couldn't back out now. "I know I probably look so stupid right now," he stammered out, "ya know, coming back here after everything I said. After turning you away like that. You must hate me--" 

"Jim." Spock said firmly. "I could never hate you. I could not explain to you how unfathomably happy I am to see you if I tried. I feel... _alive_ for the first time in weeks. Just as the sight of you." 

Kirk's heart was whole again, all in that one second. 

"Me too," he breathed. 

Spock shifted slightly, looking a bit anxious, like he was squirming just from hearing Kirk say that. "You are here because...?"

"Because I love you." Kirk said confidently, not letting himself slow down: "I was scared, and I was holding onto something that I shouldn't have been. I thought it was right. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he laughed, surprised by the emotion shaking his voice, stinging his eyes. "The goddamn universe itself brought us together and I still pretended like I had _any_ say in this!" 

"You do, Jim." Spock said gently, taking a step closer--Kirk felt it. That pull. He had no idea how badly he'd been craving it until this moment. "Of course you do. The universe brought us together to simply assist a love that caught its attention. It didn't bring two random souls together for no reason. It is still up to you." 

Kirk let himself be drawn in closer. "I'm here now. I'm done running." And even as he said it, he was _terrified._ He was terrified Spock would refuse him now, after all this. He was afraid this pull was one-sided. 

Spock said nothing for awhile, just staring down at him, and Kirk's fears only heightened. He watched Spock closely, waiting for him to say it--that he didn't want him anymore. 

Instead of saying something, though, he leaned forward and kissed Kirk instead. 

_Finally,_ everything felt in balance. The gravity was suddenly natural, their orbit was stable. The stars they couldn't even see were marking off their checklists. To say the kiss was anything short of world shattering would be a lie. It was cosmic, Earth was just a planet in space with them at that moment, they weren't bound to it anymore. 

Finally, _finally,_ Kirk was sure he had made the right choice. 

Even when they parted, just barely, just enough to breathe--Kirk still felt completely unattached from the world at his feet. Spock had the smallest smile on his face, but his eyes were absolutely beaming. Kirk's heart warmed just seeing it, Hell, being the _cause_ of it. "I have never felt so whole in my entire life," Spock said softly, resting his forehead against Kirk's.

Kirk let out a breathless laugh. "Me neither." 

Spock dragged his fingers lightly along Kirk's cheek with that look in his eye--he was basically admiring him. "I expect you intend to stay with me? Forever? Because I do not think I can lose you again, Jim." 

Kirk gently grabbed Spock's face, savoring the feeling of it in his hands. "I'm not going anywhere," he whispered, just between them. "Ever." 

He knew that for sure. 

And Spock just smiled softly before kissing him again--because he knew it too. 


	12. If Given the Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, last chapter guys! It's been a lot of fun!! I'm sure I'll be more starting another fic pretty soon, so if you're interested, keep an eye out! I've loved all the feedback, and I appreciate it so so so much!! I hope you guys enjoyed :') 
> 
> And I hope you enjoy this last, little mini chapter!

Within a few months, spring came. 

Spock stood outside--he quite liked spring. It smelled like rain, there were fresh dew drops on the grass, but the sky was clear. Save for the occasional white cloud. But the sun was there, and the sky was so vastly blue. 

He wasn't sure when it started, but Earth had started to feel more and more like home. If he had to guess though, he had a feeling it was probably around the same time he and Jim got together. 

No, before that even--when they met. Way back then. Only months ago, but it felt like years.

Spock remembered the sky on those days too. Just like this. 

"Alright, I'm ready!" 

Spock looked over to where Jim was rushing to his side, smiling. Those eyes beaming. 

Those skies had been blue. Just like that. 

Jim had to head to work, and these days, Spock had been walking him. The walk was a little longer than Jim was used to, and he complained about it, but it was empty. Spock could feel it, when their hands linked--he could feel Jim's absolute joy to be at his side, out in the nice weather. 

"You will be seeing Leonard this Friday?" Spock asked. On most Fridays, Leonard and Jim met up for a coffee. 

Jim had been worried, at first, that this arrangement would upset Spock. He must've asked Spock if he was " _really_ okay" with it twenty times while just walking out the door the first time. Though, that in itself was enough to make Spock feel at ease. 

That, and the things he felt when he and Jim were kissing, or touching, or even when he just delicately brushed his fingers against Jim's hand in passing--it was always such boundless love, even from the briefest contact. The depth of Jim's love didn't scare him; Spock's were just as deep, if not deeper. They were oceans by themselves, but when they were in contact with each other, they were as deep as space itself. 

"Not this Friday, Bones took an extra shift, he had to cancel." Jim explained. 

"Perhaps you could accompany me to my speech on Friday, then." Spock said as casually as he could--he had been hoping Jim would come. He had been approved to oversee a project on small ships for travel and outreach. It wasn't aide or exploration yet, but it would bridge previous gaps between Earth and other plants. It would establish the beginnings of relationships, it would be the beginning of the webs that connected everyone together. 

The moment he had gotten Jim back, Spock's ambition had been endless. 

Though, despite the fire always burning in him--the one Jim fed so expertly just from those approving smiles and the pride in his eyes--Spock knew how to approach this systematically. Step-by-step, patient. 

And this was the first step. All he had to do was make a formal address about the project officially being underway, and then it was go time. And he couldn't imagine doing it without Jim's company. 

Jim looked at him, and Spock could read the look of amazement and honor in Jim's eyes like he was reading pages of a book. "You want me to go?" he asked softly.

Spock brought Jim's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it softly. "Of course, T'hy'la." 

Jim looked utterly moved, his smile so warm and captivating, Spock suddenly wasn't sure he could successfully complete this walk. 

"Of course I'll go," he said gently. "I'm so excited." 

Spock smiled back at him. "I am glad. You will have to awaken early, though." 

Jim groaned out loud, making Spock's smile grow. Jim was "not a morning person", as he put it. He did indeed sleep through it quite often. He was messy, late, reckless, always in a rush--yet all of these things were things Spock loved about him. Every thing that made Jim _Jim_ was every thing that Spock wouldn't even _dream_ about changing about him. 

"Would it be inappropriate to tell everyone there that I'm dating you?" Jim asked, that wicked spark in his eyes, always accompanied by that mischievous grin. 

"Yes, I do believe it would be." Spock answered. He knew it was a game, which is why he chose to play it. He always chose to play it. 

"Well what if you just don't know if I do it?" 

"I suppose I wouldn't be able to stop you, then." 

Jim smirked, leaning his head on Spock's shoulder as they walked. "Let's be honest, would you really try to stop me in the first place?" 

Spock looked at him, somewhere between amused and starstruck. 

He'd do anything Jim wanted; go along with any plan or idea he ever had. He'd drop everything to follow him absolutely anywhere, if only given the chance. He'd take it again and again, never considering the risk. So long as Jim was the constant, he'd face anything.

"I suppose I wouldn't. Ever." Spock said, kissing the top of his head. "Even if given the chance."


End file.
